I haven't written much this month on my blog. To tell the truth, it was hard. I had thousands of ideas and wanted to start, but every time I would want to start, it was just too painful. There have been so many things happening lately that would have required me to open up and write from the heart. I simply was not up to it.
However, it is important that i WRITE! Yes, I know I got my capitalization backward just now. That's part of what I'm trying to say. I am not important. The writing is. Sometimes it is the message itself that is important.
A lot of my work requires that I deliver messages, that I help other people interpret messages, cut through layers of meaning and get to the heart of something that may be deeply emotional, and may have been avoided for far too long. It's important that I pay attention to the details about messages so things don't get lost. It irks me then when people deliberately distort messages or pretend they never got a message when they clearly did for no good reason.
Sometimes messages are sent inadvertently because of lack of proportion. The whopper that comes to mind for me right now is Brett Favre. Roger Goddell, Commissioner of the National Football League, fined the Minnesota Vikings' quarterback the sum of $50,000 for "failure to cooperate with the investigation in a forthcoming manner." Now in most of corporate America, anyone would be fired if he or she "fails to cooperate with an investigation in a forthcoming manner," especially when it is a workplace investigation into an allegation of sexual harassment.
The problem with the message here is the lack of proportion where Favre is concerned. If he were an average Joe Wage-Earner, (meaning you or me) $50,000 would be a hell of a penalty. The average salary for 2010 is right around $50,000 -- actually it's a bit under that amount. Now if you take the numbers that Favre actually gets under his contract, the picture changes dramatically. His base salary -- no incentives or anything else -- is $16,000,000.00 for 2010. That translates to $1,000,000.00 per game. (I didn't perform the math, and just went to ESPN for the calculations, so if I'm wrong, blame them for this next bit.) That means he earns $16,667.00 PER MINUTE. Therefore, it will take him all of 3 minutes to earn $50,000.00.
Shall we apply that to average Joe? Joe's penalty under an equivalent scenario would be a penalty of $1.20. Let's take it up a notch to the average degreed professional in America -- with a salary of $100,000 per year. Okay that would be a penalty of $2.40.
Oooh, I'm certainly deterred by that message, Mr. Goddell. It's not even a good parking ticket!
Why did you even bother?
Frankly, it would have been better to have done nothing than send this message that makes a mockery of whatever policy the NFL might have concerning workplace conduct and investigations.
But then, no one asked me. I'm not their lawyer. I'm just an observer who looks at the messages that get sent.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The Unthinkable
One of my friends experienced the tragedy no parent ever expects. Her son's car crashed Oct. 31 at 3:55 a.m. after which LifeFlite took him by helicopter to a large hospital renowned for trauma care. He remained unconscious until last evening about 9:30 p.m. when he died at age 28.
I can't even imagine what kind of pain that must feel like. Everyone I know believes that parents are supposed to die first. We are not supposed to face the task of planning our children's funerals. It's just not natural.
My heart aches. Her heart will always have a hole that can never be healed. I know that. And with the timing of his death coming at Christmas, she will never have another joyous Christmas again.
I believe death is only a transition -- and that life continues on. From this plane we cannot see what the rest of the journey looks like. Perhaps she will have someone now to look down and care for her in a special way better than he ever could have here during his very short time.
As for me, I'm so terribly grateful for my children and grandchildren. I love them fiercely. For this I make no apology. I am a Mama Lion. They are my Pride: literally and figuratively.
I can't even imagine what kind of pain that must feel like. Everyone I know believes that parents are supposed to die first. We are not supposed to face the task of planning our children's funerals. It's just not natural.
My heart aches. Her heart will always have a hole that can never be healed. I know that. And with the timing of his death coming at Christmas, she will never have another joyous Christmas again.
I believe death is only a transition -- and that life continues on. From this plane we cannot see what the rest of the journey looks like. Perhaps she will have someone now to look down and care for her in a special way better than he ever could have here during his very short time.
As for me, I'm so terribly grateful for my children and grandchildren. I love them fiercely. For this I make no apology. I am a Mama Lion. They are my Pride: literally and figuratively.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sez Who?
Got my picture in the paper yesterday, along with a nice article. That's supposed to be a big deal, and I thought I would feel really proud. Instead the public comments -- at least those posted to the online version -- said I should be hanged for treason as a traitor to the United States, disbarred, and put in jail. Ordinarily I do not spend a lot of time reading those comments, and I should not have changed that practice. The ideas spat out by those persons caused me to think.
What I do is not for the purpose of seeking praise from the public or getting my name and picture in the newspaper. Neither is it to receive a pat on the back. I do not expect everyone to understand what I do or to agree with the work. My time and services are donated to help persons who cannot afford to hire a lawyer. I select them to be my clients, and they agree to let me serve as their attorney. I cannot take care of the entire world, but I use my time wisely so that I can represent as many as possible that I can help. I do it because I believe it to be the right thing to do. It is my duty -- plain and simple.
I have always told the people I mentor to do the right thing for the right reason, then not to worry about the results. Both parts of the equation must be there (the right thing and the right reason) for this to be true. I think I learned yesterday that if a person plans to serve in a leadership role or any type of decision-making capacity, there will always be someone with something negative to say about your work. For this reason, it helps to hearken back to the basic rule: Do the right thing for the right reason & don't worry about the results.
By reading the comments section I let myself get caught up in the critics, knowing their measure is not the ultimate test. I'll try not to make that mistake again.
Maybe one way to avoid it is by trying what I did on Friday. I unplugged. I did not turn on my computer. I did not make a single call on my cell phone. I did not send one email. I did not write my blog or do anything else that required a technological bone in my body. I read a book, an old-fashioned one, the kind with paper pages that must be turned by hand. I watched football on TV and I ate leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner. And I remembered again all the reasons why I am thankful.
Then on Sunday I heard about a man who made a secret gift during the Great Depression to people who could not afford anything for Christmas. His grandson has written a book about his story called, appropriately, A Secret Gift: How One Man's Kindness - and a Trove of Letters - Revealed the Hidden History of the Great Depression. In Canton, Ohio shortly before Christmas in 1933, Sam Stone anonymously offered $10 to 75 of the town's neediest families if they responded to an ad describing their hardships. The checks were written by Mr. B. Virdot and no one ever knew who he was until a suitcase was discovered 75 years later by Sam Stone's grandson, Ted Gup, the book's author. The suitcase held all those letters. Mr. Gup tracked down the descendants of the check's recipients and put together a reunion and wrote a book about what he found. It's a wonderful story about the joy of doing good for others.
Doing good for others is a noble aspiration. As lawyers it is part of our ethical rules to perform pro bono work each year. The term pro bono means "for the public good." I may not be able to hand out checks at Christmas as Mr. Stone did in 1933, but I can give what I have: my time and my service as a lawyer. I get to say which clients I will serve. It will not be left to the peanut gallery in the comments section of the newspaper.
Sez Who?
I say and my clients say. That is all that matters.
By the way, Sam Stone was a Romanian Jew that had told everyone he was born in Pittsburgh. He made a difference in a lot of people's lives every year -- especially at Christmas.
What I do is not for the purpose of seeking praise from the public or getting my name and picture in the newspaper. Neither is it to receive a pat on the back. I do not expect everyone to understand what I do or to agree with the work. My time and services are donated to help persons who cannot afford to hire a lawyer. I select them to be my clients, and they agree to let me serve as their attorney. I cannot take care of the entire world, but I use my time wisely so that I can represent as many as possible that I can help. I do it because I believe it to be the right thing to do. It is my duty -- plain and simple.
I have always told the people I mentor to do the right thing for the right reason, then not to worry about the results. Both parts of the equation must be there (the right thing and the right reason) for this to be true. I think I learned yesterday that if a person plans to serve in a leadership role or any type of decision-making capacity, there will always be someone with something negative to say about your work. For this reason, it helps to hearken back to the basic rule: Do the right thing for the right reason & don't worry about the results.
By reading the comments section I let myself get caught up in the critics, knowing their measure is not the ultimate test. I'll try not to make that mistake again.
Maybe one way to avoid it is by trying what I did on Friday. I unplugged. I did not turn on my computer. I did not make a single call on my cell phone. I did not send one email. I did not write my blog or do anything else that required a technological bone in my body. I read a book, an old-fashioned one, the kind with paper pages that must be turned by hand. I watched football on TV and I ate leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner. And I remembered again all the reasons why I am thankful.
Then on Sunday I heard about a man who made a secret gift during the Great Depression to people who could not afford anything for Christmas. His grandson has written a book about his story called, appropriately, A Secret Gift: How One Man's Kindness - and a Trove of Letters - Revealed the Hidden History of the Great Depression. In Canton, Ohio shortly before Christmas in 1933, Sam Stone anonymously offered $10 to 75 of the town's neediest families if they responded to an ad describing their hardships. The checks were written by Mr. B. Virdot and no one ever knew who he was until a suitcase was discovered 75 years later by Sam Stone's grandson, Ted Gup, the book's author. The suitcase held all those letters. Mr. Gup tracked down the descendants of the check's recipients and put together a reunion and wrote a book about what he found. It's a wonderful story about the joy of doing good for others.
Doing good for others is a noble aspiration. As lawyers it is part of our ethical rules to perform pro bono work each year. The term pro bono means "for the public good." I may not be able to hand out checks at Christmas as Mr. Stone did in 1933, but I can give what I have: my time and my service as a lawyer. I get to say which clients I will serve. It will not be left to the peanut gallery in the comments section of the newspaper.
Sez Who?
I say and my clients say. That is all that matters.
By the way, Sam Stone was a Romanian Jew that had told everyone he was born in Pittsburgh. He made a difference in a lot of people's lives every year -- especially at Christmas.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Changing the Channel
I just implemented a practice that I didn't know I had already started. Yesterday I had some extra time to think (won't explain the circumstances), but anyway, I realized that over the past recent time I had started changing the channel when anything about the Palins came on TV. Well, it all came to a head Friday night when I was reading one of the blogs I regularly read and they started going off about Sarah Palin's children.
Apparently there was some controversy about something one or two of them had posted on their Facebook pages, gay slurs I believe. This came after an entire week of nonstop coverage of the Dancing with the Stars shocker when Brandy and Maks received a perfect score of 30, yet Bristol Palin and her partner Mark Ballas somehow escaped elimination to make it to the finals. I had only watched to see the dancing, and now that was ruined because Bristol really can't dance. Everywhere I turned there was talk of conspiracy and ballot stuffing, ways to "outwit" the controls set up by ABC for the voting. Finally, toward the end of the week, the media started to focus on Sarah Palin's new book coming out soon.
What I noticed was that I had started changing the channel when something came on about the Palins. So I decided to merely formalize in my mind what I was already subconsciously doing anyway. Don't get me wrong: I'm not a Sarah-Hater. I'm just bored with it all. She's totally irrelevant to my life and I have no desire to know anything about what she or her clan might be doing or saying or thinking.
I've been to Alaska already and I still have friends there. If I need any information about Alaska, I can get it. Since I am not a reality-show fan anyway, there is no reason for me to watch the new show her family has on TV.
So ABC-TV just started to show something about the upcoming episode with Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars. I changed the channel. It didn't matter where I went. Turns out I got cartoons on CBS. That was okay because I only had to stay a minute or so because ABC didn't stay with Bristol very long. They were quickly on to another story.
The same thing goes for the radio -- regular and satellite. I will change those channels, too. I will also turn the magazine or newspaper page and click the mouse button to skip past anything to do with the Palins. I am not interested in the gossip about their marriage or the politics of whether Sarah may run in 2012 or the news on what Bristol may or may not win.
Just. Don't. Care.
Thank goodness that an ad is on right now hawking Andrea Bocelli's White Christmas album. I can listen to his singing day and night. In fact, I think I may put on one of his CDs right now.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Apparently there was some controversy about something one or two of them had posted on their Facebook pages, gay slurs I believe. This came after an entire week of nonstop coverage of the Dancing with the Stars shocker when Brandy and Maks received a perfect score of 30, yet Bristol Palin and her partner Mark Ballas somehow escaped elimination to make it to the finals. I had only watched to see the dancing, and now that was ruined because Bristol really can't dance. Everywhere I turned there was talk of conspiracy and ballot stuffing, ways to "outwit" the controls set up by ABC for the voting. Finally, toward the end of the week, the media started to focus on Sarah Palin's new book coming out soon.
What I noticed was that I had started changing the channel when something came on about the Palins. So I decided to merely formalize in my mind what I was already subconsciously doing anyway. Don't get me wrong: I'm not a Sarah-Hater. I'm just bored with it all. She's totally irrelevant to my life and I have no desire to know anything about what she or her clan might be doing or saying or thinking.
I've been to Alaska already and I still have friends there. If I need any information about Alaska, I can get it. Since I am not a reality-show fan anyway, there is no reason for me to watch the new show her family has on TV.
So ABC-TV just started to show something about the upcoming episode with Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars. I changed the channel. It didn't matter where I went. Turns out I got cartoons on CBS. That was okay because I only had to stay a minute or so because ABC didn't stay with Bristol very long. They were quickly on to another story.
The same thing goes for the radio -- regular and satellite. I will change those channels, too. I will also turn the magazine or newspaper page and click the mouse button to skip past anything to do with the Palins. I am not interested in the gossip about their marriage or the politics of whether Sarah may run in 2012 or the news on what Bristol may or may not win.
Just. Don't. Care.
Thank goodness that an ad is on right now hawking Andrea Bocelli's White Christmas album. I can listen to his singing day and night. In fact, I think I may put on one of his CDs right now.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Times They Are A-Changin'
I live in a large metropolitan city in a multi-ethnic county that has been changing over the years that I been here. Although this is the city of my birth, I spent most of my formative years in the small-town life familiar to so many other Americans (or at least so many other Texans -- ha, ha). I left for the big city at age 17 and have been here ever since. Some of the changes have been quite obvious, others much more subtle. Some we simply think we see or feel, but may not quite be sure of -- or may even want to ignore.
I've had the privilege of hearing a couple of presentations given by a university professor who has performed research about contemporary perspectives of the citizens of my county. He's done the same survey for the past 29 years. It employs scientifically valid methods and is statistically reliable. The survey measures attitudes toward education, taxation, immigration, crime, health care, mobility and transit, the local and national economy, religious and political beliefs, views on homosexuality and abortion rights, and their family structures.
Because the same questions are used, fascinating shifts emerge over the years that can be seen more clearly than with surveys taken on a less frequent basis. Additionally, the surveys give more detailed demographic information that show where the trends or shifts are occurring. That kind of information can be very helpful for policymakers (or for savvy marketers, inventors or other opportunists).
Some of the highlights from the 2010 report:
http://has.rice.edu/
So what's the point of all this? I remember a speech I heard 25 years ago by a demographer -- yes, that really was his profession -- when I was at a week-long conference. This gentlemen predicted the fall of the USSR, the reunification of East and West Germany, and also explained how the faces of the U.S. would be changing over the coming generations. (He also said employers would have a hard time finding qualified workers because of the incarceration rates and other issues -- so he was right about that one, too.) That speech (and his slides) set me on a course of watching for the development of these demographic changes in America. As surely as I am sitting here, those changes have come to fruition.
The changes are the result of a number of things. One of those is the phenomenon of the Baby Boomer generation. There are a lot of us -- but we are now gray, some still in the workforce, some retired. By and large though, we are moving toward the side of the stage, not the center any longer. (This is a difficult fact to accept for many of us. Personally, I'm still demanding the spotlight most of the time, although I can move over now and then.)
Most of the Baby Boomers did not have that many children in their families. That generation, known as GenX or GenY, depending on how fast the Boomer got busy procreating, is not as large. On the other hand, America has seen a lot of growth through immigration -- a lot of that has been legal and some not legal. Growth rate among Hispanic residents of the U.S. is at a higher proportion than that of non-Hispanic Whites, and even higher still among Asian Americans, with Blacks somewhere in between. The U.S. Census has projected that by 2042 the country will become a "majority minority" nation. In four states that has already occurred: California, Texas, New Mexico, and Hawaii.
People can rant all day long about illegal immigration, but that is not the problem here. It is very simply the growth rate among those people that already have gotten here. Old 60-ish white guys can't produce enough children to turn the tide. That ship has sailed, and the ranters should just get over it.
Instead, I have chosen to embrace the change. I believe that diversity is a benefit. We can learn from each other and gain valuable insight from the different experiences and background that people who are not from our same background bring with them. A shining example of our diverse community could be seen yesterday at the City Council meeting as the new municipal judges, associate judges, and hearing officers were presented by the mayor for confirmation. I encourage you to follow the link and watch the meeting as the people are introduced and the various council members greet the judges and pay their respects. (Be sure to stop the "reading of the agenda" and go to "items 1-3" at about the 3:30 point).
I know two of the judges from when we were in law school and a third one is a friend of mine. Phyllis is a trailblazer whom I admire greatly. Perhaps I will write about her some other time.
http://houstontx.city.swagit.com/player.php?refid=11172010-1
So today I am grateful to embrace change instead of being afraid of it. I am grateful to have a friend like Phyllis who has been through the battles and now is receiving well-deserved respect and rewards.
I've had the privilege of hearing a couple of presentations given by a university professor who has performed research about contemporary perspectives of the citizens of my county. He's done the same survey for the past 29 years. It employs scientifically valid methods and is statistically reliable. The survey measures attitudes toward education, taxation, immigration, crime, health care, mobility and transit, the local and national economy, religious and political beliefs, views on homosexuality and abortion rights, and their family structures.
Because the same questions are used, fascinating shifts emerge over the years that can be seen more clearly than with surveys taken on a less frequent basis. Additionally, the surveys give more detailed demographic information that show where the trends or shifts are occurring. That kind of information can be very helpful for policymakers (or for savvy marketers, inventors or other opportunists).
Some of the highlights from the 2010 report:
- In 1980 63% of the population in this county was Anglo. Today non-Hispanic whites comprise less than 35% of the population.
- When asked which of two proposals would be more effective in reducing crime, 79% chose "spending large sums of money to reduce poverty and keep young people in school," rather than "spending the same money to send criminals to prison and keeping them there for a long time." In 1999, 50% endorsed the first alternative.
- 69% agreed that "Individuals in possession of small amounts of illegal drugs should be fined rather than sent to jail." Just 26% disagreed with this suggestion.
- The proportion of people in favor of "homosexuals being legally permitted to adopt children" increased from 19% in 1991 to 28% in 2000 to 37% in 2004 to 43% in 2008 to 52% in 2010. Agreement that "Marriages between homosexuals should be given the same legal status as heterosexuals" grew from 32% in 2007 to 43% in 2009.
- Support for "allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military" has increased from 52% in 2000 to 64% in 2008 to 73% in 2010.
- The proportion in favor of "allowing homosexuals to teach in public schools" grew from 48% in 1992 to 59% in 2009.
- Conversely, the views on abortion rights have not changed significantly, or if anything a slight decrease. The belief that "It should be legal for a woman to obtain an abortion if she wants to have one for any reason" was held by 56% in 2006, 54% in 2008, and 50% today. Opposition to "a law that would make it more difficult for a woman to obtain an abortion" was expressed by 63% in 2001 and 54% in 2009.
http://has.rice.edu/
So what's the point of all this? I remember a speech I heard 25 years ago by a demographer -- yes, that really was his profession -- when I was at a week-long conference. This gentlemen predicted the fall of the USSR, the reunification of East and West Germany, and also explained how the faces of the U.S. would be changing over the coming generations. (He also said employers would have a hard time finding qualified workers because of the incarceration rates and other issues -- so he was right about that one, too.) That speech (and his slides) set me on a course of watching for the development of these demographic changes in America. As surely as I am sitting here, those changes have come to fruition.
The changes are the result of a number of things. One of those is the phenomenon of the Baby Boomer generation. There are a lot of us -- but we are now gray, some still in the workforce, some retired. By and large though, we are moving toward the side of the stage, not the center any longer. (This is a difficult fact to accept for many of us. Personally, I'm still demanding the spotlight most of the time, although I can move over now and then.)
Most of the Baby Boomers did not have that many children in their families. That generation, known as GenX or GenY, depending on how fast the Boomer got busy procreating, is not as large. On the other hand, America has seen a lot of growth through immigration -- a lot of that has been legal and some not legal. Growth rate among Hispanic residents of the U.S. is at a higher proportion than that of non-Hispanic Whites, and even higher still among Asian Americans, with Blacks somewhere in between. The U.S. Census has projected that by 2042 the country will become a "majority minority" nation. In four states that has already occurred: California, Texas, New Mexico, and Hawaii.
People can rant all day long about illegal immigration, but that is not the problem here. It is very simply the growth rate among those people that already have gotten here. Old 60-ish white guys can't produce enough children to turn the tide. That ship has sailed, and the ranters should just get over it.
Instead, I have chosen to embrace the change. I believe that diversity is a benefit. We can learn from each other and gain valuable insight from the different experiences and background that people who are not from our same background bring with them. A shining example of our diverse community could be seen yesterday at the City Council meeting as the new municipal judges, associate judges, and hearing officers were presented by the mayor for confirmation. I encourage you to follow the link and watch the meeting as the people are introduced and the various council members greet the judges and pay their respects. (Be sure to stop the "reading of the agenda" and go to "items 1-3" at about the 3:30 point).
I know two of the judges from when we were in law school and a third one is a friend of mine. Phyllis is a trailblazer whom I admire greatly. Perhaps I will write about her some other time.
http://houstontx.city.swagit.com/player.php?refid=11172010-1
So today I am grateful to embrace change instead of being afraid of it. I am grateful to have a friend like Phyllis who has been through the battles and now is receiving well-deserved respect and rewards.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Challenged
Challenged I have been lately. Sometimes the Universe has a way of making a point -- with emphasis. There are certain beliefs I hold very strongly. For example, that things happen for a reason. And the corollary: things happen at the precise time they do also for a reason. That belief was tested very strongly yesterday. No need to go into details because they don't really matter. Where I am sitting right now I can't see the big picture, and that bugs me. But I just have to trust that there really is a big picture.
I remember having the point made before: Do you really believe what you say or don't you? I tell other people over and over (so much so that they probably think I'm a droid) that it all happens for a reason. Here I am with something hurtful going on -- so, do I believe it or not? Yes, I really, really do. I'm letting go of the feelings and asking for the lesson that I'm supposed to learn. At some point it will probably dawn on me and I'll figure it out (humility, grace under fire, patience, stillness, etc.) There are lot of lessons I'm still working on.
I thought I was going to write about something else today. I even had a title picked out and written when I started this posting. I planned to discuss a completely different thought today but once I got going, I realized maybe that should wait for another day -- when the time is right. Just like my challenge yesterday, I don't yet understand what it was about, but I'm certain it was for my own good and I'm probably making a big deal out of absolutely nothing. Now that I've changed the perspective there is no anger, fear, hurt or anything else anymore. Just a readiness to move on down the road -- because it really is about the journey and making a contribution along the way.
If I get bogged down with petty nonsense, my contribution is also bogged down and no one benefits. Okay, deep breath. I'm back to focusing on love and compassion. And I'm grateful that I have people who love me and remind me to get back up.
I remember having the point made before: Do you really believe what you say or don't you? I tell other people over and over (so much so that they probably think I'm a droid) that it all happens for a reason. Here I am with something hurtful going on -- so, do I believe it or not? Yes, I really, really do. I'm letting go of the feelings and asking for the lesson that I'm supposed to learn. At some point it will probably dawn on me and I'll figure it out (humility, grace under fire, patience, stillness, etc.) There are lot of lessons I'm still working on.
I thought I was going to write about something else today. I even had a title picked out and written when I started this posting. I planned to discuss a completely different thought today but once I got going, I realized maybe that should wait for another day -- when the time is right. Just like my challenge yesterday, I don't yet understand what it was about, but I'm certain it was for my own good and I'm probably making a big deal out of absolutely nothing. Now that I've changed the perspective there is no anger, fear, hurt or anything else anymore. Just a readiness to move on down the road -- because it really is about the journey and making a contribution along the way.
If I get bogged down with petty nonsense, my contribution is also bogged down and no one benefits. Okay, deep breath. I'm back to focusing on love and compassion. And I'm grateful that I have people who love me and remind me to get back up.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Auld Lang Syne
I just returned from a conference in Orlando where I met many other people from all over the world who perform work somewhat similar to mine. Some of the workshops challenged the methods we use, stimulating discussion and generating the occasional controversy among people who are generally very opinionated and not hesitant to speak their minds about much of anything.
A lot of the folks are colleagues with whom I previously shared professional adventures and respect immensely. Renewing acquaintances and catching up on life proved easily done; the vast majority of people I had never met. Over the course of two-and-a-half days I added quite a few new professional friends to my cadre. Although we all share this particular profession, we have arrived at it from extraordinarily different paths. Some are retired federal judges – too bad Bill didn’t ask that question of his audience first before his session started – and others have owned successful engineering or construction companies, like my new friend Alan.
None of us is a spring chicken: I guess that is mainly because we are getting paid for something that takes years to acquire. So, in a sense we are like a wine that’s aged. By definition time has to pass for the aging to occur. My expertise did not arrive all of a sudden when I received my law degree. I suppose an argument could be made that a certain amount of expertise had been acquired by the time I became board certified by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization (that's a mouthful -- but the legal ethics require us to say it that way), but even that would probably not be sufficient to satisfy what people want for this area of work. I am not saying all of this in any sense to be bragging – please don’t misunderstand.
The point is about staying around long enough to have been around the block two or three times. Or twenty or thirty. Or two hundred. That’s what we are getting paid for: expertise that has been compiled over time. Seeing the shifting sands of time, the coming and going of trends and fads, the tendencies in human nature, and those things that can be counted on time and again. What is valuable and what is simply fool’s gold.
I have no way of knowing if anyone will ever ask me to work on a case again. I have the ability to withdraw my name from consideration if it is time for me to stop, and that day may come. I don’t know about that either. In the meantime I am grateful for the opportunity to meet my colleagues from other parts of the world and to renew old acquaintances.
Here’s to Auld Lang Syne.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Pendulums
I once worked for a very wise man. Much of what I have learned about being a boss, practicing law, and life in general, came from him. I'm not sure he knows how influential he was -- maybe. I doubt that I am the only one because he shaped the careers of many other lawyers who greatly admired him also.
Anyway, I remember one day having a conversation in his office about a judge's ruling on a case. I was a bit down in the mouth over it because the judge was completely wrong on the law. At that time there had been a recent change in the judiciary that reflected a certain philosophy toward certain types of cases -- and my case fell into that category.
He told me that the pendulum is always in the process of swinging, and that if you wait long enough you will see the complete swings that it makes. We were just at the farthest end of the swing and would have to wait for the pendulum to get corrected by swinging back into place. I was very young at the time and had never witnessed a full swing (or even a half-swing).
The case causing my oh-so-woeful state of mind reflected a jury's decision, submitted by a judge with erroneous instructions on the law. An appellate court decision (or two) would be necessary to correct the judge and jury's mistakes. However, the decision for me was whether it was worth the client's money to move toward correcting those mistakes by filing an appeal -- or wait until another case came along? I had to make the recommendation to my client.
What my boss wanted me to understand was that there would be another case, and another time to challenge the law. The judge was wrong, but now (at that time) may not be the right time to push ahead. It may be better to just sit tight and let the pendulum swing a little more. Maybe it's better to let someone else get hit at the courthouse, too.
Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. There were other clients that had the same thing happen. Their cases were submitted with erroneous instructions -- and juries that followed the judge's instructions. Those other clients appealed. At the appellate court level their cases were overturned. The cases were published, and it was clear to everyone then that the jury verdicts had been wrong (because the trial judge's instructions were wrong).
That did not help my client on the old case, but in a sense we were vindicated. And it proved my boss right. The pendulum does swing back. When it gets too far one way or the other it gets pulled back again.
I believe that. Now that I am older, I've seen it time and time again. You can apply the principle to whatever area you like: I think it still holds true. Extremism in any arena will be checked and brought back to the center. It is the way of life. Maybe it has something to do with fairness.
So thank you, Boss, for that lesson so many years ago. I still remember. It gives me hope -- and I really need it right now when there seem to be so many extremists and I really want the middle ground. Did I say that enough already?
Anyway, I remember one day having a conversation in his office about a judge's ruling on a case. I was a bit down in the mouth over it because the judge was completely wrong on the law. At that time there had been a recent change in the judiciary that reflected a certain philosophy toward certain types of cases -- and my case fell into that category.
He told me that the pendulum is always in the process of swinging, and that if you wait long enough you will see the complete swings that it makes. We were just at the farthest end of the swing and would have to wait for the pendulum to get corrected by swinging back into place. I was very young at the time and had never witnessed a full swing (or even a half-swing).
The case causing my oh-so-woeful state of mind reflected a jury's decision, submitted by a judge with erroneous instructions on the law. An appellate court decision (or two) would be necessary to correct the judge and jury's mistakes. However, the decision for me was whether it was worth the client's money to move toward correcting those mistakes by filing an appeal -- or wait until another case came along? I had to make the recommendation to my client.
What my boss wanted me to understand was that there would be another case, and another time to challenge the law. The judge was wrong, but now (at that time) may not be the right time to push ahead. It may be better to just sit tight and let the pendulum swing a little more. Maybe it's better to let someone else get hit at the courthouse, too.
Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. There were other clients that had the same thing happen. Their cases were submitted with erroneous instructions -- and juries that followed the judge's instructions. Those other clients appealed. At the appellate court level their cases were overturned. The cases were published, and it was clear to everyone then that the jury verdicts had been wrong (because the trial judge's instructions were wrong).
That did not help my client on the old case, but in a sense we were vindicated. And it proved my boss right. The pendulum does swing back. When it gets too far one way or the other it gets pulled back again.
I believe that. Now that I am older, I've seen it time and time again. You can apply the principle to whatever area you like: I think it still holds true. Extremism in any arena will be checked and brought back to the center. It is the way of life. Maybe it has something to do with fairness.
So thank you, Boss, for that lesson so many years ago. I still remember. It gives me hope -- and I really need it right now when there seem to be so many extremists and I really want the middle ground. Did I say that enough already?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Mr. Trouble, Mr. Van Dyke & Mr. Bennett
I heard someone say, "I may never be happier than I am right now." I had to agree with him at that moment. I was listening to an interview of Dick Van Dyke on the radio program, "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me." He's such an interesting guy and played such great characters over the years.
I was too young to watch the old Dick Van Dyke Show where he and Mary Tyler Moore broke into TV, but I've seen the re-runs of it. It's incredibly funny because it was so well-written and the actors were such great performers. Of course, there were also the Disney movies, "Mary Poppins" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
What brought me to my knees (figuratively, though -- because I was driving at the time), was finding out that the theme song to the Dick Van Dyke Show, which is a very familiar tune, has lyrics -- and he sang them for the audience. Here they are (along with Peter Sagal's reaction):
MR. VAN DYKE: (Singing) So you think that you've got trouble, well trouble's a bubble, so tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost. Why not hold your head up high and stop crying, start trying, and don't forget to keep your fingers crossed. When you find the joy of living is loving and giving, you'll be there when the winning dice are tossed. A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down, so smile and that frown will defrost. And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
PETER SAGAL: Bravo
SAGAL: I may never be happier than I am right now.
If you want to listen for yourself to the interview or just read it, I included the link.
And finally, tonight was the first game of the World Series. I always associate the World Series with my birthday. There has only been one year that the World Series was not played either on or around my birthday: 1994. The major league players were on strike that year. Thank goodness they are not on strike this year.
Anyway, I had to listen to the first part of the game on the radio as I was driving home from work (long, long day). Lucky for me it was already on our TV when I walked in the door. I didn't even stop to get the plate that had been saved for me from dinner. I went straight to the sofa and the big screen. The game itself was not so much fun, but man was the 7th Inning Stretch ever worth it. Tony Bennett sang "God Bless America."
It was gorgeous, definitely bringing tears to my eyes. I truly cannot remember when I've heard it sung better. Yes, I've heard Ronan Tynan sing it at the Yankees games, and he does a fine rendition. But Tony Bennett is a true American treasure. And the man is 84 years old!
If that were not enough, Fox replayed Mr. Bennett's first-inning performance of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." 'Twas just the way for me to close the evening -- with a golden memory of San Francisco and a wonderful singer warming my heart.
Thank you, Mr. Bennett. And Mr. Trouble, get lost.
What brought me to my knees (figuratively, though -- because I was driving at the time), was finding out that the theme song to the Dick Van Dyke Show, which is a very familiar tune, has lyrics -- and he sang them for the audience. Here they are (along with Peter Sagal's reaction):
MR. VAN DYKE: (Singing) So you think that you've got trouble, well trouble's a bubble, so tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost. Why not hold your head up high and stop crying, start trying, and don't forget to keep your fingers crossed. When you find the joy of living is loving and giving, you'll be there when the winning dice are tossed. A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down, so smile and that frown will defrost. And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
PETER SAGAL: Bravo
SAGAL: I may never be happier than I am right now.
And finally, tonight was the first game of the World Series. I always associate the World Series with my birthday. There has only been one year that the World Series was not played either on or around my birthday: 1994. The major league players were on strike that year. Thank goodness they are not on strike this year.
Anyway, I had to listen to the first part of the game on the radio as I was driving home from work (long, long day). Lucky for me it was already on our TV when I walked in the door. I didn't even stop to get the plate that had been saved for me from dinner. I went straight to the sofa and the big screen. The game itself was not so much fun, but man was the 7th Inning Stretch ever worth it. Tony Bennett sang "God Bless America."
It was gorgeous, definitely bringing tears to my eyes. I truly cannot remember when I've heard it sung better. Yes, I've heard Ronan Tynan sing it at the Yankees games, and he does a fine rendition. But Tony Bennett is a true American treasure. And the man is 84 years old!
If that were not enough, Fox replayed Mr. Bennett's first-inning performance of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." 'Twas just the way for me to close the evening -- with a golden memory of San Francisco and a wonderful singer warming my heart.
Thank you, Mr. Bennett. And Mr. Trouble, get lost.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Points and Numbers
While I was on hold waiting for a conference call last week, I almost got lost in the music that played for those several minutes. As I listened I remembered more and more about the piece, because it was one that I played when I was in high school. It was one of my favorites, a difficult piece (at least it was hard for me). As I thought more about it I realized it was Rachmaninoff -- the Prelude in g minor. Here is a link to someone on YouTube playing it (probably infinitely better than I ever could -- but I don't know that she ever enjoyed any more than I have).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QB7ugJnHgs&feature=related
If you take a moment to skip over and watch the performance and if you get lost in music, as do I, then maybe you will understand my unexpected pleasure when I got a few minutes to sit on hold and just do nothing except listen to that exquisite music. A total gift for me alone.
See the thing about music is that it is all about numbers and how everything is related to each other. They are notes on scales and they move around, in combination, creating harmony or contrast, and rhythm -- also about numbers and relation and space. The ear hears it and the brain interprets it, sensing all sorts of things. (I actually associate colors with certain keys -- but that's another story. I've had discussions with other musicians about the topic, and apparently I'm not totally crazy.)
But numbers mean other things to people, too. Sometimes people think that if there is an idea or belief that the majority of the people hold, then it must be true. I do not subscribe to this notion; neither did Galileo, Copernicus, nor Columbus. I am perfectly comfortable being in the minority when I believe I am right about something. It may be that its time to be proven true has not yet come to pass.
When this really becomes important to me is in two areas. The first is in individual rights that are -- and should be -- protected under the U.S. Constitution. If we allowed people to vote on the rights of others, then only those those curried favor with the majority would ever be protected. Unpopular minorities could be locked away forever. The beauty of our Constitution and the wisdom of our Supreme Court have recognized that certain things should not be put to a vote.
The second area is religion and morality. That, too, is not something that other people get a vote on or that is subject to what other people think. Other people do not have a say, or to quote a wise child, "You're not the boss of me." For too many people religion and morality is all about numbers and keeping score -- for other people. They keep track of the injuries other people have inflicted on them, and of the shortcomings of their fellow humans. I am not worried about the numbers when it comes to religion or morality. They are irrelevant in my construct. To my way of thinking The Supreme Being is an Immutable Force -- Never Changing. If anyone needs to change, it is I. I am not responsible for anyone else out there.
My change is not to go from any one point to any other point -- Point A to Point B, or even Point Z. As Frankie put it, we are to go from Point A to Point God. Well said, Sir. Thank you for that nugget of gold.
And I might add, that sermon was delivered by Frankie on 10.10.10, the mark of perfection in some judging guides.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QB7ugJnHgs&feature=related
If you take a moment to skip over and watch the performance and if you get lost in music, as do I, then maybe you will understand my unexpected pleasure when I got a few minutes to sit on hold and just do nothing except listen to that exquisite music. A total gift for me alone.
See the thing about music is that it is all about numbers and how everything is related to each other. They are notes on scales and they move around, in combination, creating harmony or contrast, and rhythm -- also about numbers and relation and space. The ear hears it and the brain interprets it, sensing all sorts of things. (I actually associate colors with certain keys -- but that's another story. I've had discussions with other musicians about the topic, and apparently I'm not totally crazy.)
But numbers mean other things to people, too. Sometimes people think that if there is an idea or belief that the majority of the people hold, then it must be true. I do not subscribe to this notion; neither did Galileo, Copernicus, nor Columbus. I am perfectly comfortable being in the minority when I believe I am right about something. It may be that its time to be proven true has not yet come to pass.
When this really becomes important to me is in two areas. The first is in individual rights that are -- and should be -- protected under the U.S. Constitution. If we allowed people to vote on the rights of others, then only those those curried favor with the majority would ever be protected. Unpopular minorities could be locked away forever. The beauty of our Constitution and the wisdom of our Supreme Court have recognized that certain things should not be put to a vote.
The second area is religion and morality. That, too, is not something that other people get a vote on or that is subject to what other people think. Other people do not have a say, or to quote a wise child, "You're not the boss of me." For too many people religion and morality is all about numbers and keeping score -- for other people. They keep track of the injuries other people have inflicted on them, and of the shortcomings of their fellow humans. I am not worried about the numbers when it comes to religion or morality. They are irrelevant in my construct. To my way of thinking The Supreme Being is an Immutable Force -- Never Changing. If anyone needs to change, it is I. I am not responsible for anyone else out there.
My change is not to go from any one point to any other point -- Point A to Point B, or even Point Z. As Frankie put it, we are to go from Point A to Point God. Well said, Sir. Thank you for that nugget of gold.
And I might add, that sermon was delivered by Frankie on 10.10.10, the mark of perfection in some judging guides.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Outsiders
I had a totally different post in mind to write, but I changed my mind after watching last night's episode of "Glee." I so love this show, yes for the singing and dancing, but for lots more. I've often thought about why. Some of it has to do with the overall fun, but mostly I think it comes from the sheer Truth it tells (granted in a campy way), but a Truth that everyone has lived as a teenager, one way or another. No, we were not all in Glee Club, but we all felt those feelings that are being expressed by the characters on Glee. So what is it that they tell us?
This episode,entitled "Duets," displayed the characters' penchant for partnering up -- in differing ways and for differing reasons. (The plot involved Mr. Shue awarding the winners of the competition dinner at Breadsticks Restaurant, and of course, the competition required a duet.) What struck me, though, was the way the episode exemplified the theme that makes the show so popular: They are all Outsiders, each in his or her own way.
Sam is the new kid, most obviously an outsider. Kurt, who is gay -- and you can't get much more of an outsider than that -- makes assumptions about Sam, the assumption being that Sam is also gay. For the majority of the time we are left wondering. Is he or isn't he? That presents a great opportunity for Kurt's dad to explain to him that even though he may be sure about his identity, not everybody else has figured that out, and he can't keep hitting on straight guys. However, the outsider with a great arm that can throw the winning touchdown (that's not what happened last night, I'm just making this observation) is more easily accepted than some of the other outsiders we see. (More on that thought momentarily.)
We got a glimpse into Brittany S. Pierce last night that was totally heartbreaking, and the epitome of the Outsider. Brittany's character so far has been a sidekick, totally dense, and all about sex. It seems that she has had sex with just about everybody in school (boys - and at least one girl, Santana, but she also thinks Britney Spears is hot), but as for true friends, there are none. She asks Artie to sing the duet with her for the competition, but Santana spoils everything when she spills the beans to Artie by telling him that Brittany is just using him. After Artie calls off the duet with Brittany, she tells him about how she really wanted to take him to Breadsticks (I know, it's cheesy) when they won the competition so they could share spaghetti and meatballs just like in Lady and the Tramp. The last scene of the show with Brittany dining alone, and nosing the meatball to the other side of the plate, to her nonexistent dinner partner just choked me up.
What grabs me about Glee is how it shows that everybody feels left out from time to time. It doesn't matter how beautify (Quinn), or talented (Rachel), or popular (Finn), or like able (Mercedes), or smart (Emma), or winning (Sue), or powerful (Principal Figgins), you still feel like you are somehow left out. There are probably a lot of reasons for that. The most obvious reason: They are in high school. By definition they are just beginning their journey. Although we in the audience can see how splendid Kurt's talent already is, to his average high school peer it's beyond their capacity to fathom, for their grasp of the world is limited. It is immature, because being a teenager means a person has yet to mature (of course, some never do).
So revisiting all of those episodes of teenage angst that is a rite of passage for everyone could be boring, except that we are on the other side now. We know the rest of the story. We know that we survived the teenage years -- not only survived them, but what we turned into is REAL story. We would all love to whisper in the ear of those characters in Glee and tell them it's going to be okay, this is just temporary. Those other kids that are so mean to you, throwing those slushies in your face -- they're going to have to call you "Boss" 20 years from now.
But here's what else is so important about Glee. It's not just teenage angst. Many people still feel like we are on the outside looking in even many years later. For a lot of people they never feel they quite fit in or that they quite belong anywhere.
It's hard to figure out: Who am I? Lots of people never do because they never even try. They let themselves be defined by something external, whatever group or movement or tribe or fill in the blank. Others are much more reflective and want to understand within themselves what they are all about. (Guess where I fit ... )
The group within New Directions -- the Glee Club -- represents acceptance of the Outsiders, seen as misfits or rejects by the rest of the school -- but something special for its members. In other words we have to accept ourselves and we can do that by recognizing the so-called misfits as one of us. Indeed, we hold the mirror up and see ourselves in them, thereby attaining acceptance for all. But what we are really looking for? That's easy. Love. Finding it? Start by showing it.
In the meantime, thank you for the music, Glee. To quote ABBA:
So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing,
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me.
This episode,entitled "Duets," displayed the characters' penchant for partnering up -- in differing ways and for differing reasons. (The plot involved Mr. Shue awarding the winners of the competition dinner at Breadsticks Restaurant, and of course, the competition required a duet.) What struck me, though, was the way the episode exemplified the theme that makes the show so popular: They are all Outsiders, each in his or her own way.
Sam is the new kid, most obviously an outsider. Kurt, who is gay -- and you can't get much more of an outsider than that -- makes assumptions about Sam, the assumption being that Sam is also gay. For the majority of the time we are left wondering. Is he or isn't he? That presents a great opportunity for Kurt's dad to explain to him that even though he may be sure about his identity, not everybody else has figured that out, and he can't keep hitting on straight guys. However, the outsider with a great arm that can throw the winning touchdown (that's not what happened last night, I'm just making this observation) is more easily accepted than some of the other outsiders we see. (More on that thought momentarily.)
We got a glimpse into Brittany S. Pierce last night that was totally heartbreaking, and the epitome of the Outsider. Brittany's character so far has been a sidekick, totally dense, and all about sex. It seems that she has had sex with just about everybody in school (boys - and at least one girl, Santana, but she also thinks Britney Spears is hot), but as for true friends, there are none. She asks Artie to sing the duet with her for the competition, but Santana spoils everything when she spills the beans to Artie by telling him that Brittany is just using him. After Artie calls off the duet with Brittany, she tells him about how she really wanted to take him to Breadsticks (I know, it's cheesy) when they won the competition so they could share spaghetti and meatballs just like in Lady and the Tramp. The last scene of the show with Brittany dining alone, and nosing the meatball to the other side of the plate, to her nonexistent dinner partner just choked me up.
What grabs me about Glee is how it shows that everybody feels left out from time to time. It doesn't matter how beautify (Quinn), or talented (Rachel), or popular (Finn), or like able (Mercedes), or smart (Emma), or winning (Sue), or powerful (Principal Figgins), you still feel like you are somehow left out. There are probably a lot of reasons for that. The most obvious reason: They are in high school. By definition they are just beginning their journey. Although we in the audience can see how splendid Kurt's talent already is, to his average high school peer it's beyond their capacity to fathom, for their grasp of the world is limited. It is immature, because being a teenager means a person has yet to mature (of course, some never do).
So revisiting all of those episodes of teenage angst that is a rite of passage for everyone could be boring, except that we are on the other side now. We know the rest of the story. We know that we survived the teenage years -- not only survived them, but what we turned into is REAL story. We would all love to whisper in the ear of those characters in Glee and tell them it's going to be okay, this is just temporary. Those other kids that are so mean to you, throwing those slushies in your face -- they're going to have to call you "Boss" 20 years from now.
But here's what else is so important about Glee. It's not just teenage angst. Many people still feel like we are on the outside looking in even many years later. For a lot of people they never feel they quite fit in or that they quite belong anywhere.
It's hard to figure out: Who am I? Lots of people never do because they never even try. They let themselves be defined by something external, whatever group or movement or tribe or fill in the blank. Others are much more reflective and want to understand within themselves what they are all about. (Guess where I fit ... )
The group within New Directions -- the Glee Club -- represents acceptance of the Outsiders, seen as misfits or rejects by the rest of the school -- but something special for its members. In other words we have to accept ourselves and we can do that by recognizing the so-called misfits as one of us. Indeed, we hold the mirror up and see ourselves in them, thereby attaining acceptance for all. But what we are really looking for? That's easy. Love. Finding it? Start by showing it.
In the meantime, thank you for the music, Glee. To quote ABBA:
So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing,
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me.
Friday, October 8, 2010
People Who Need People
Barbra Streisand made a little money over the years singing a song entitled, "People." One of the lines says, "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world." Guess I fall into that category. I don't consider that a bad thing at all. What made me start thinking about this idea was a phone call last night.
I was watching the baseball game (stay with me here, the connections are a bit random), and I realized the date was October 7, meaning it was two days past October 5 and I had missed someone's birthday. And since I had not spoken to her in a very long time -- even though I often think of her and miss her very much -- I decided it was well past time to call her. I'm so very glad I did. It was her 85th birthday this year, and who knows how many more birthdays she will have? Or how many any of us will, for that matter. We had a lovely conversation that warmed both our hearts. I'm not sure who got more out of it, but I can tell you it did me a world of good to talk to her again.
Then there was the night before that I went to dinner with one of my friends, whom I absolutely adore. We had a fabulous time, catching up on personal events, swapping stories, sharing wonderful food and wine. Oh yeah, we let the spouses tag along, too. It helps when the enjoy each other's company also.
I also have a group of friends that I call the Vegas Rules Group. We don't get to go out together very often because our work lives are complicated and busy. Some of us also have personal lives that have complicated obligations as well. When we do get together, we have a lot of fun. A lot of what we talk about is work (okay, so we're gritching about it mostly), but we usually digress and get on to individual stories as well. That is where the term Vegas Rules comes from. We all have sworn an oath not to reveal what we talk about during those sessions -- because Vegas Rules apply -- you know, like the commercials on TV, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. So that allows us to be silly and blow off a lot of steam, knowing that we can trust each other not to blab to the rest of the world just how silly we may have been at some point in our lives. And I've probably said more than I should have right now. So, no more because I do not want to compromise any of my Vegas Rules friends.
Of course, I can't talk about People without mentioning all the Little People in my life -- all those beautiful grandchildren of mine. I stopped at the store on the way home yesterday to get French bread, and along the way I saw strawberries -- a favorite of one of the grandbabies -- and also brownie bites. Since I had not gotten a basket -- who needs one just for French bread? -- my arms were pretty full once I got to the checkout counter. But the brownie bites were just the cure for a bobo that someone had on a finger when I got home. And for the other one that speaks Chinese -- or that's what it sounds like anyway -- after his third one, I had to tell him that was enough for the night. He could have another one for breakfast.
Yes, I do need People -- big, little, and in-between.
I was watching the baseball game (stay with me here, the connections are a bit random), and I realized the date was October 7, meaning it was two days past October 5 and I had missed someone's birthday. And since I had not spoken to her in a very long time -- even though I often think of her and miss her very much -- I decided it was well past time to call her. I'm so very glad I did. It was her 85th birthday this year, and who knows how many more birthdays she will have? Or how many any of us will, for that matter. We had a lovely conversation that warmed both our hearts. I'm not sure who got more out of it, but I can tell you it did me a world of good to talk to her again.
Then there was the night before that I went to dinner with one of my friends, whom I absolutely adore. We had a fabulous time, catching up on personal events, swapping stories, sharing wonderful food and wine. Oh yeah, we let the spouses tag along, too. It helps when the enjoy each other's company also.
I also have a group of friends that I call the Vegas Rules Group. We don't get to go out together very often because our work lives are complicated and busy. Some of us also have personal lives that have complicated obligations as well. When we do get together, we have a lot of fun. A lot of what we talk about is work (okay, so we're gritching about it mostly), but we usually digress and get on to individual stories as well. That is where the term Vegas Rules comes from. We all have sworn an oath not to reveal what we talk about during those sessions -- because Vegas Rules apply -- you know, like the commercials on TV, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. So that allows us to be silly and blow off a lot of steam, knowing that we can trust each other not to blab to the rest of the world just how silly we may have been at some point in our lives. And I've probably said more than I should have right now. So, no more because I do not want to compromise any of my Vegas Rules friends.
Of course, I can't talk about People without mentioning all the Little People in my life -- all those beautiful grandchildren of mine. I stopped at the store on the way home yesterday to get French bread, and along the way I saw strawberries -- a favorite of one of the grandbabies -- and also brownie bites. Since I had not gotten a basket -- who needs one just for French bread? -- my arms were pretty full once I got to the checkout counter. But the brownie bites were just the cure for a bobo that someone had on a finger when I got home. And for the other one that speaks Chinese -- or that's what it sounds like anyway -- after his third one, I had to tell him that was enough for the night. He could have another one for breakfast.
Yes, I do need People -- big, little, and in-between.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Haves and Have Nots
I'm writing a bit earlier in the day today -- actually it's my lunch hour -- because I want to leave plenty of time tonight to watch Glee. Yes, I confess, I'm a Gleek. I truly love the show, from the music to the characters, the story arcs, the great acting, singing and dancing, and of course, the way they make putting on a show look so easy. But Glee is not the point today.
One of the very basic lessons I have learned -- but sometimes must be reminded of -- I relearned today. Or at least I was reminded about and remembered to go back to this basic. Sometimes it is very easy to get caught up focusing too much on the things we don't have, rather than the things we do have. Yes, it's easy to look at it in terms of material goods -- a house, a car, nice furniture (or needing one of the above).
But sometimes it can be something more intangible. We expend a lot of energy and time concentrating on or daydreaming about something we wish we had -- like a different job, fame, a size 2 body, the perfect mate -- and we lose sight of what is right under our nose.
Not only that, we can get trapped by getting lost in those daydreams by unrealistic and negativistic thinking. By that I mean when setbacks come along or difficult circumstances, do we withdraw into the daydream of the perfect fantasy mate, the perfect size 2 body, in our mind -- while on the outside we flail at the people around us because they are not who we want them to be? Or do we look at those circumstances as opportunities to learn from the event or the person and grow -- not because we're looking for a fantasy, perfect mate -- but because we want to be the best person to whomever is our REAL mate (either the one we have now or the one we will have).
So I am looking around me and taking in what I have been given -- and it is so very, very much. I have the sun by day, and the moon and stars by night. I have wonderful, loving people in my life -- family of birth and family of choice. I am watching multiple generations growing up and exploring the beauties and mysteries of life. I have interesting and meaningful work to do that makes a difference in people's lives -- and I do it with people that I really, really care about. I have a roof over my head, and plenty of food to go into my belly. I don't have everything, but I don't need everything. I have everything I need.
Finally, I think I have a pretty good understanding of my place in the Universe. I'm still trying to ask the right questions there. Don't have all the answers -- probably never will. But I'm still asking. That's what it's all about.
One of the very basic lessons I have learned -- but sometimes must be reminded of -- I relearned today. Or at least I was reminded about and remembered to go back to this basic. Sometimes it is very easy to get caught up focusing too much on the things we don't have, rather than the things we do have. Yes, it's easy to look at it in terms of material goods -- a house, a car, nice furniture (or needing one of the above).
But sometimes it can be something more intangible. We expend a lot of energy and time concentrating on or daydreaming about something we wish we had -- like a different job, fame, a size 2 body, the perfect mate -- and we lose sight of what is right under our nose.
Not only that, we can get trapped by getting lost in those daydreams by unrealistic and negativistic thinking. By that I mean when setbacks come along or difficult circumstances, do we withdraw into the daydream of the perfect fantasy mate, the perfect size 2 body, in our mind -- while on the outside we flail at the people around us because they are not who we want them to be? Or do we look at those circumstances as opportunities to learn from the event or the person and grow -- not because we're looking for a fantasy, perfect mate -- but because we want to be the best person to whomever is our REAL mate (either the one we have now or the one we will have).
So I am looking around me and taking in what I have been given -- and it is so very, very much. I have the sun by day, and the moon and stars by night. I have wonderful, loving people in my life -- family of birth and family of choice. I am watching multiple generations growing up and exploring the beauties and mysteries of life. I have interesting and meaningful work to do that makes a difference in people's lives -- and I do it with people that I really, really care about. I have a roof over my head, and plenty of food to go into my belly. I don't have everything, but I don't need everything. I have everything I need.
Finally, I think I have a pretty good understanding of my place in the Universe. I'm still trying to ask the right questions there. Don't have all the answers -- probably never will. But I'm still asking. That's what it's all about.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Game Changers
I am always fascinated by reinvention -- whether it's leftovers made into a great new dish for dinner, or an old piece of clothing that's repurposed into an entirely new design, or even a business that turned inside out and sent a totally new direction.
Americans are a forgiving lot. I read today that Eliot Spitzer's has his big debut tonight on CNN with Kathleen Parker in which they discuss current political events. He would be running for re-election right now had he not had that little scandal in which he was Customer Number 9. Martha Stewart's board of directors expressed great concern when she decided to spend five months in prison, but now her corporate enterprise makes more money than ever.
Martha shrewdly figured out that her magazine and other publishing ventures needed other support measures to survive the hit her reputation would take. The publishing business relies on advertising but Martha's other businesses had built on Martha's own persona, her expertise and endorsement. Thus, it only made sense that she should turn to marketing -- a much more profitable business venture -- to expand her empire. Now Martha is simply everywhere. Not only does she have dishes and paint and embroidery designs. She has a contract with Costco to offer fresh and frozen foods for them under their Kirkland label, and she is even going to produce a game for Nintendo! That's a pretty big comeback.
It's yet to be seen how welcome former-Gov. Spitzer will be with Ms. Parker. I like her newpaper columns, and the New Yorker - South Carolinian angle could be interesting. I just have a hard time getting over the image of Silda Spitzer standing there at the press conference in her navy blue suit with the beautiful silk scarf draped so carefully, and I can't stop thinking about their three teenage daughters. I know everybody deserves forgiveness, and I know everybody needs to make a living. But it's not up to me to forgive him. I'm not his wife, and I'm not a voter in the State of New York. And it's not like he really needs the money from CNN -- his family is worth millions and millions. No, this is part of the rehabilitation of his image in order to run for office again someday. Well, good luck with that.
In the meanwhile, I think I'll watch "The Good Wife" on TV. I think I will also be very thankful that I don't live in the public spotlight.
But for the whole idea of Game Changers, Raina Kelly has a regular column in Newsweek Magazine. It was her story on Martha Stewart that caught my attention and got me thinking about this whole idea in the first place.
How many of us need a game changer in our own lives? We've already seen game changers in our communication. When was the last time anyone used a pay phone? Even little old ladies are on facebook now! And no one would think about leaving home without their cell phone! The mode of delivery has spilled over into movies and TV. When I was growing up there were three TV channels, and maybe two movies playing. Musicians don't even make music the same way anymore. It may be on a traditional instrument such as a piano or violin, or it may be on a computer -- or both!
What's wrong with one of us having the idea that becomes another Game Changer? I've got my thinking cap on. That may not be the secret though. It may be one of those happy accidents that happens when we least expect it and just let it be. But then we're just stubborn enough to believe in it and keep pressing forward when everyone else tells us we're crazy.
After all, Fred Smith's economics professor at Yale gave him a C on his paper in the early 1960's when he proposed an overnight delivery service with one central clearing house located in the middle of other locations, an integrated air-ground system. Today we know this business as FedEx.
So, for all the Game Changers out there -- and all the Game Changers that are yet to be -- thank you!
Americans are a forgiving lot. I read today that Eliot Spitzer's has his big debut tonight on CNN with Kathleen Parker in which they discuss current political events. He would be running for re-election right now had he not had that little scandal in which he was Customer Number 9. Martha Stewart's board of directors expressed great concern when she decided to spend five months in prison, but now her corporate enterprise makes more money than ever.
Martha shrewdly figured out that her magazine and other publishing ventures needed other support measures to survive the hit her reputation would take. The publishing business relies on advertising but Martha's other businesses had built on Martha's own persona, her expertise and endorsement. Thus, it only made sense that she should turn to marketing -- a much more profitable business venture -- to expand her empire. Now Martha is simply everywhere. Not only does she have dishes and paint and embroidery designs. She has a contract with Costco to offer fresh and frozen foods for them under their Kirkland label, and she is even going to produce a game for Nintendo! That's a pretty big comeback.
It's yet to be seen how welcome former-Gov. Spitzer will be with Ms. Parker. I like her newpaper columns, and the New Yorker - South Carolinian angle could be interesting. I just have a hard time getting over the image of Silda Spitzer standing there at the press conference in her navy blue suit with the beautiful silk scarf draped so carefully, and I can't stop thinking about their three teenage daughters. I know everybody deserves forgiveness, and I know everybody needs to make a living. But it's not up to me to forgive him. I'm not his wife, and I'm not a voter in the State of New York. And it's not like he really needs the money from CNN -- his family is worth millions and millions. No, this is part of the rehabilitation of his image in order to run for office again someday. Well, good luck with that.
In the meanwhile, I think I'll watch "The Good Wife" on TV. I think I will also be very thankful that I don't live in the public spotlight.
But for the whole idea of Game Changers, Raina Kelly has a regular column in Newsweek Magazine. It was her story on Martha Stewart that caught my attention and got me thinking about this whole idea in the first place.
How many of us need a game changer in our own lives? We've already seen game changers in our communication. When was the last time anyone used a pay phone? Even little old ladies are on facebook now! And no one would think about leaving home without their cell phone! The mode of delivery has spilled over into movies and TV. When I was growing up there were three TV channels, and maybe two movies playing. Musicians don't even make music the same way anymore. It may be on a traditional instrument such as a piano or violin, or it may be on a computer -- or both!
What's wrong with one of us having the idea that becomes another Game Changer? I've got my thinking cap on. That may not be the secret though. It may be one of those happy accidents that happens when we least expect it and just let it be. But then we're just stubborn enough to believe in it and keep pressing forward when everyone else tells us we're crazy.
After all, Fred Smith's economics professor at Yale gave him a C on his paper in the early 1960's when he proposed an overnight delivery service with one central clearing house located in the middle of other locations, an integrated air-ground system. Today we know this business as FedEx.
So, for all the Game Changers out there -- and all the Game Changers that are yet to be -- thank you!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Cone of Silence
A lot of what I do must be kept confidential. Various rules of ethics require me to keep what I hear or read to myself. Sometimes I even have to keep what I say confidential. Some of it is funny; other stuff is just heartbreaking and shocking. That's the stuff I not only don't want to tell anyone, I even wish I could forget it myself.
It can be a little hard and even lonely carrying around all of these confidences. Luckily, the sheer volume alone demands that some of get dumped out of my brain in order to hold the new stuff I have to keep up with. The mental capacity only has a certain amount -- the rest has to go somewhere ...
Sometimes I wonder about others who have similar obligations to maintain confidences, such as priests and ministers that hear confessions, or psychiatrists and mental health professionals that counsel patients.
With several of my clients and other attorneys we invoke the Cone of Silence whenever we are discussing a subject that we know falls within that category of "privileged." It's a humorous image from the Get Smart movie (or old TV show) the visually depicts the protection of the conversation.
I was getting ready to write this post when the newest spinoff of the Law & Order franchise was coming on, Law & Order L.A. Funny, but I think I saw that tonight's episode was entitled "Cone of Silence," but it went by too fast.
Today I am grateful to know that I can choose to be happy -- and that I made that choice. What does that have to do with Cone of Silence? It's not a direct correlation -- but even with what I know about human nature, and the actions of human beings, after all that has happened within the Cone of Silence, I still choose to be happy.
It can be a little hard and even lonely carrying around all of these confidences. Luckily, the sheer volume alone demands that some of get dumped out of my brain in order to hold the new stuff I have to keep up with. The mental capacity only has a certain amount -- the rest has to go somewhere ...
Sometimes I wonder about others who have similar obligations to maintain confidences, such as priests and ministers that hear confessions, or psychiatrists and mental health professionals that counsel patients.
With several of my clients and other attorneys we invoke the Cone of Silence whenever we are discussing a subject that we know falls within that category of "privileged." It's a humorous image from the Get Smart movie (or old TV show) the visually depicts the protection of the conversation.
I was getting ready to write this post when the newest spinoff of the Law & Order franchise was coming on, Law & Order L.A. Funny, but I think I saw that tonight's episode was entitled "Cone of Silence," but it went by too fast.
Today I am grateful to know that I can choose to be happy -- and that I made that choice. What does that have to do with Cone of Silence? It's not a direct correlation -- but even with what I know about human nature, and the actions of human beings, after all that has happened within the Cone of Silence, I still choose to be happy.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Mrs. Butterworth
Some mornings just have more obstacles than others. Mrs. Butterworth decided to take a swan dive from the third shelf in the pantry this morning, lost her cap, spilled half her insides, creating quite a mess on the floor. Luckily for me, most of the brown goo was gone before I made it that far. I thought it was rather amusing myself. The three dish towels had not hardened yet so I took them from the trash and put them in the washing machine (with HOT water and a high water level).
The discussion that ensued exemplified the difference in outlook over Mrs. Butterworth's unexpected leap to the floor. I was told that this was just an omen of how bad the day was probably going to be.
I offered an alternative view: Maybe this meant the day was going to be very sweet.
It's taken me a long time to turn that into a regular way to look at things. For years I struggled with negativity and worrying about every little thing. I'm not sure at what point things finally turned around for me. However, I definitely know that there is tremendous power in positive thinking. Once I started trying it, I found it really made a difference -- both in how I felt about what I was doing, as well as the effect it had on the things I was doing. Things just seemed to turn out better if I had a more positive attitude.
I found that if I started looking for the good things, I usually found them. There is almost always a silver lining if you look hard enough. Then the very best thing of all happens. Once you start doing this on a frequent enough basis, it just becomes a part of how you think. It's second nature to start looking for the bright side.
There is a Part Two to this type of thinking. It helps to look for the humor in whatever situation I find myself. To me it was downright hilarious picturing Mrs. Butterworth diving off the pantry shelf. (I'm not sure that was the picture that came to mind for the person when the accident first occurred , especially when the mess was being cleaned up.) Humor helps save sanity many times over.
I also believe that things happen for a reason -- and they happen at the time they do for a reason. There is a perfect, timed sequence. Moreover, there is a lesson to be learned from many of the situations or events we experience. So the challenge is to figure out what the lesson might be.
I've tried to learn about patience, how I might have been kinder to someone, oh so that's what that feels like, and on and on.
One of the people that has been a huge help in this change for me has been Dr. Alan Zimmerman with his Tuesday Tips. I always look forward to what he has to say on Tuesday each week. His Tuesday Tips newsletter is free to anyone who wants to subscribe. Here is the link if anyone is interested. http://www.drzimmerman.com/tiptestimonies.htm
He gets my Gratitude for today.
Goodnite, Mrs. Butterworth!
The discussion that ensued exemplified the difference in outlook over Mrs. Butterworth's unexpected leap to the floor. I was told that this was just an omen of how bad the day was probably going to be.
I offered an alternative view: Maybe this meant the day was going to be very sweet.
It's taken me a long time to turn that into a regular way to look at things. For years I struggled with negativity and worrying about every little thing. I'm not sure at what point things finally turned around for me. However, I definitely know that there is tremendous power in positive thinking. Once I started trying it, I found it really made a difference -- both in how I felt about what I was doing, as well as the effect it had on the things I was doing. Things just seemed to turn out better if I had a more positive attitude.
I found that if I started looking for the good things, I usually found them. There is almost always a silver lining if you look hard enough. Then the very best thing of all happens. Once you start doing this on a frequent enough basis, it just becomes a part of how you think. It's second nature to start looking for the bright side.
There is a Part Two to this type of thinking. It helps to look for the humor in whatever situation I find myself. To me it was downright hilarious picturing Mrs. Butterworth diving off the pantry shelf. (I'm not sure that was the picture that came to mind for the person when the accident first occurred , especially when the mess was being cleaned up.) Humor helps save sanity many times over.
I also believe that things happen for a reason -- and they happen at the time they do for a reason. There is a perfect, timed sequence. Moreover, there is a lesson to be learned from many of the situations or events we experience. So the challenge is to figure out what the lesson might be.
I've tried to learn about patience, how I might have been kinder to someone, oh so that's what that feels like, and on and on.
One of the people that has been a huge help in this change for me has been Dr. Alan Zimmerman with his Tuesday Tips. I always look forward to what he has to say on Tuesday each week. His Tuesday Tips newsletter is free to anyone who wants to subscribe. Here is the link if anyone is interested. http://www.drzimmerman.com/tiptestimonies.htm
He gets my Gratitude for today.
Goodnite, Mrs. Butterworth!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Colors
I always laugh at the questions asked for various computer or password security control. What was the name of your first pet? (can't remember) Where did you vacation last year? (most years I don't really take a real vacation in the traditional sense of the word) What was the name of your favorite teacher? (I had more than one) What is your favorite color?
My favorite color when I was growing up was blue and my sister's was purple. So, I always thought I was not permitted to have purple as my favorite color, but I adored lavender. And since I was this very serious, studious person practicing law, showing up in courtrooms, I couldn't have pink as my favorite color, even though I really, really loved it. And for those same reasons, I certainly couldn't show up with red fingernails, even though I secretly really wanted to have red fingernails!
Well, someplace along the way I spent some time talking with some very helpful, nice people that wondered why I thought my sister owned the color purple. They also pointed out there were no rules about female lawyers and the color pink. And gradually, I got a little more comfortable in my own skin -- and with my own fingernails -- that I permitted myself to even paint them red. (I still wore skirts in the courtroom though.)
I also opened my eyes to the world around me and saw there were other colors. Yes, I still loved blue, and I started noticing all the many different, gorgeous shades of it. But I also started to see the hues of the sunset, and all the greens in the forest, and the reds and browns in the canyons. I literally had a revelation and a whole new appreciation of my total environment. Tunnel vision of the world wastes so much beauty.
I must admit, though, that I'm still not too keen on yellow and orange. Limited quanities I can handle, and the lighter shades are fine. And I'm working to incorporate them, especially when paired with my favorites. They are okay as accent colors, like black and white with yellow used as the accent. Maybe that's one of the lessons in life -- sort of like recognizing our weaknesses, being aware of them and working on them.
Anyway, so I wore this red jersey to the football game today. I told my grandson to be sure and watch for me on TV -- that I would wave to him and he could see me because I would be the one in the red jersey. Of course I knew there would be probably about 30,000 other people there in red jerseys (and a like number in blue jerseys and a few more in white). He kept looking all day for me, and finally decided he saw me on the field in the game -- playing, of course.
You gotta love a kid who thinks his grandmother can play professional football because she wears the red jersey! All because of the power of red. Maybe Mrs. Marshall was right.
And maybe I have a favorite teacher after all, I just never realized it.
My favorite color when I was growing up was blue and my sister's was purple. So, I always thought I was not permitted to have purple as my favorite color, but I adored lavender. And since I was this very serious, studious person practicing law, showing up in courtrooms, I couldn't have pink as my favorite color, even though I really, really loved it. And for those same reasons, I certainly couldn't show up with red fingernails, even though I secretly really wanted to have red fingernails!
Well, someplace along the way I spent some time talking with some very helpful, nice people that wondered why I thought my sister owned the color purple. They also pointed out there were no rules about female lawyers and the color pink. And gradually, I got a little more comfortable in my own skin -- and with my own fingernails -- that I permitted myself to even paint them red. (I still wore skirts in the courtroom though.)
I also opened my eyes to the world around me and saw there were other colors. Yes, I still loved blue, and I started noticing all the many different, gorgeous shades of it. But I also started to see the hues of the sunset, and all the greens in the forest, and the reds and browns in the canyons. I literally had a revelation and a whole new appreciation of my total environment. Tunnel vision of the world wastes so much beauty.
I must admit, though, that I'm still not too keen on yellow and orange. Limited quanities I can handle, and the lighter shades are fine. And I'm working to incorporate them, especially when paired with my favorites. They are okay as accent colors, like black and white with yellow used as the accent. Maybe that's one of the lessons in life -- sort of like recognizing our weaknesses, being aware of them and working on them.
Anyway, so I wore this red jersey to the football game today. I told my grandson to be sure and watch for me on TV -- that I would wave to him and he could see me because I would be the one in the red jersey. Of course I knew there would be probably about 30,000 other people there in red jerseys (and a like number in blue jerseys and a few more in white). He kept looking all day for me, and finally decided he saw me on the field in the game -- playing, of course.
You gotta love a kid who thinks his grandmother can play professional football because she wears the red jersey! All because of the power of red. Maybe Mrs. Marshall was right.
And maybe I have a favorite teacher after all, I just never realized it.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Perspective of Time
Listening to the song "Fifteen" the other night got me wondering how much I could remember of the year that I was 15. That was my freshman year in high school and the year I got my driver's license. I started my first job -- at the local grocery store, and I was thrilled. My life revolved around school, church, piano lessons, and work. As for specific thoughts, plans or ideas that I had back then -- I can't really recall today.
But I do know that my sense of what is important, how time works, how to accomplish goals, how to treat people -- all of those are different now. Maybe that's the process of growing older.
At fifteen I know the world must have seemed as if would never really get started for me. I was always in a hurry back then. I wanted desperately to grow up and have my own ____ (fill in the blank). My dad told me I was always burning the candle at both ends. He always wanted me to eliminate some of the activities I was involved in. But I wanted to try everything! I was (and still am) interested in everything.
In a way it's pretty amazing that I was able to specialize in anything -- first, that I was able to select anything, and second that I was able to devote the time, attention, and resources to make it happen. I was about to say that's not really the point here. But in a way, maybe it is.
Because the point is about the perspective of time and how we look at things differently at different stages of life. I was not capable to buckling down to focus on things and eliminate activities when my dad suggested (I wanted band, choir, and athletics). After I got into college it was necessary to focus, because a major was required. Once I finished with law school, I was already in the habit of studying like the earth was about to end so even though the bar exam was an ordeal, it was something I was prepared for. And when I started practicing law, law school had already demanded so much that work was a grind, too -- but just of a slightly different variety.
I'm no longer in the beginning stages of a career. That means the perspective is different also. I have more of a sense that I am supposed to give back, to help other people, to do good. There is also the sense that it all moves so quickly. I have the picture on my desk of the day I was sworn in. There I was, standing at the judge's bench in front of the American flag. The judge is still on the bench, but he's now a federal judge -- and he's taken senior status.
At fifteen the person I would fall in love with was completely different from the person I chose to spend my life with, the person who means the whole world to me. At fifteen I thought my life was all about me, but now I understand that it is really about my service to everyone else. At fifteen I thought thirty was old, but now that almost all of my children have reached thirty, that seems awfully young. At fifteen the idea of the 21st century seemed impossible, but now the year 2000 was already a decade ago but seems like yesterday.
So I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to have experienced all of these things in my life. I am grateful for the lessons (some learned the hard way, of course) -- and I hope to pass them on so that others don't have to learn them the hard way. On the other hand, one of the things I have also learned is that most people end up having to learn the lessons for themselves -- and usually the hard way -- because they don't listen or learn from the example set by others. They just gotta try it.
Fifteen, indeed.
But I do know that my sense of what is important, how time works, how to accomplish goals, how to treat people -- all of those are different now. Maybe that's the process of growing older.
At fifteen I know the world must have seemed as if would never really get started for me. I was always in a hurry back then. I wanted desperately to grow up and have my own ____ (fill in the blank). My dad told me I was always burning the candle at both ends. He always wanted me to eliminate some of the activities I was involved in. But I wanted to try everything! I was (and still am) interested in everything.
In a way it's pretty amazing that I was able to specialize in anything -- first, that I was able to select anything, and second that I was able to devote the time, attention, and resources to make it happen. I was about to say that's not really the point here. But in a way, maybe it is.
Because the point is about the perspective of time and how we look at things differently at different stages of life. I was not capable to buckling down to focus on things and eliminate activities when my dad suggested (I wanted band, choir, and athletics). After I got into college it was necessary to focus, because a major was required. Once I finished with law school, I was already in the habit of studying like the earth was about to end so even though the bar exam was an ordeal, it was something I was prepared for. And when I started practicing law, law school had already demanded so much that work was a grind, too -- but just of a slightly different variety.
I'm no longer in the beginning stages of a career. That means the perspective is different also. I have more of a sense that I am supposed to give back, to help other people, to do good. There is also the sense that it all moves so quickly. I have the picture on my desk of the day I was sworn in. There I was, standing at the judge's bench in front of the American flag. The judge is still on the bench, but he's now a federal judge -- and he's taken senior status.
At fifteen the person I would fall in love with was completely different from the person I chose to spend my life with, the person who means the whole world to me. At fifteen I thought my life was all about me, but now I understand that it is really about my service to everyone else. At fifteen I thought thirty was old, but now that almost all of my children have reached thirty, that seems awfully young. At fifteen the idea of the 21st century seemed impossible, but now the year 2000 was already a decade ago but seems like yesterday.
So I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to have experienced all of these things in my life. I am grateful for the lessons (some learned the hard way, of course) -- and I hope to pass them on so that others don't have to learn them the hard way. On the other hand, one of the things I have also learned is that most people end up having to learn the lessons for themselves -- and usually the hard way -- because they don't listen or learn from the example set by others. They just gotta try it.
Fifteen, indeed.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Calendars
I love calendars. I keep three of them -- two electronic ones (don't ask why, there really is a good reason) and a paper one. My assistant keeps one also so she can tell people who call asking about my availability what my schedule is. The problem is my schedule changes -- sometimes moment by moment. I would really love to keep to a set, planned 8 hours a day, 5 days a week schedule that I know where I am supposed to be and everybody knows where to find me. That's just not the way my work goes.
For example, I was about to walk out the door, headed for the airport to go out of town to conduct a hearing. I had my roller bag all packed and was rolling out to the car when the phone rang. It was my assistant. The attorneys called to say they had settled the case. It's a good thing they called when they did, because another 30 minutes and I would have been standing in the security line at the airport. And then there are the times when I don't have anything scheduled on the calendar and I get a call from the Docket Manager in Austin asking if I can do a case tomorrow in some remote location. Of course, I'm always willing to help people solve a problem if I can.
So I go home and pack a bag, drive or catch a flight to wherever I need to go. Some of the places we go do not even have a motel. In those cases we stay in the closest spot we can and drive to the site of the hearing or mediation. After a very long day we can drive home or back to the airport -- or not. Sometimes it is onward to the next business location and we may not return home for a week or so at a time.
My paper calendar looks pretty funny with all its red X's on the items marked out. That's why I reprint the electronic calendar fairly often because the paper calendar is out of date after about two days. People are always asking for continuances or settling cases. Meetings get rescheduled or cancelled.
And then there is my personal life. Hah! We have a wonderful lady that comes once a week to clean our house. It started on Thursday (I think). Then it was changed to Wednesday (I think). Now it is supposed to be Tuesday, but last week she needed to take her son to the doctor so she asked if she could come on Friday. Not a problem. This week she was supposed to come on Friday also (so I thought but I don't remember why), but she called this morning and asked if it was okay if she came today. Of course, I said. So I changed my morning routine for her to be her today.
Tomorrow I'm going to the dentist. This appointment was originally set for June 3. I cancelled it so I could conduct a hearing in the Metroplex area that day. The day I rescheduled I to was in July. Wouldn't you know, but the Immigration Service picked that date for the interview of my client who is applying for what will eventually be his green card? And I got about a week to make the rescheduling arrangements. So I re-set the appointment. The day that I reset it for was the day that everything flooded and I couldn't get out to that part of town and back again. I'm very happy to be able to make this appointment now. But my plans don't go very much according to plan.
It used to be very simple when someone else told me where to go and what to do. That's not the case anymore. I'm the one that issues Scheduling Orders and tells other people where to go and what their deadlines are. But that puts even more pressure on my calendar trying to maintain the overall calendars of those cases and those people. I feel the responsibility of those lives and those problems. My life and my problems get subordinated to everyone else's -- and sometimes that may be the right choice and sometimes it may not. I get accused of a lot of things, a lot of which is unrepeatable, and most of which I try to overlook because I know it is said in anger by people who need an easy target. (And I deal with a lot of people who have mental illness.) All in all though, with the help of my staff, I think we do a pretty decent balancing act of juggling all those schedules to get the prehearing conferences, mediations, initial scheduling orders, management conferences, status conference calls, arbitration hearings, due process hearings, and assorted miscellaneous matters attended to.
So, my Gratitude goes to my Staff for seeing me through all, keeping me where I need to be, getting information to me, and messages sent to the right people in the right way. Thank you, Candyss, Merry and Janice. (Connie, you are included in this, too, even though you are part of a different staff, but you keep me on track and participate in the communication process right there with Candy, Merry and Janice!)
As I mentioned to one of the lawyers in my mediation today: If there were not any problems, there would no longer be a need for us as lawyers or mediators.
For example, I was about to walk out the door, headed for the airport to go out of town to conduct a hearing. I had my roller bag all packed and was rolling out to the car when the phone rang. It was my assistant. The attorneys called to say they had settled the case. It's a good thing they called when they did, because another 30 minutes and I would have been standing in the security line at the airport. And then there are the times when I don't have anything scheduled on the calendar and I get a call from the Docket Manager in Austin asking if I can do a case tomorrow in some remote location. Of course, I'm always willing to help people solve a problem if I can.
So I go home and pack a bag, drive or catch a flight to wherever I need to go. Some of the places we go do not even have a motel. In those cases we stay in the closest spot we can and drive to the site of the hearing or mediation. After a very long day we can drive home or back to the airport -- or not. Sometimes it is onward to the next business location and we may not return home for a week or so at a time.
My paper calendar looks pretty funny with all its red X's on the items marked out. That's why I reprint the electronic calendar fairly often because the paper calendar is out of date after about two days. People are always asking for continuances or settling cases. Meetings get rescheduled or cancelled.
And then there is my personal life. Hah! We have a wonderful lady that comes once a week to clean our house. It started on Thursday (I think). Then it was changed to Wednesday (I think). Now it is supposed to be Tuesday, but last week she needed to take her son to the doctor so she asked if she could come on Friday. Not a problem. This week she was supposed to come on Friday also (so I thought but I don't remember why), but she called this morning and asked if it was okay if she came today. Of course, I said. So I changed my morning routine for her to be her today.
Tomorrow I'm going to the dentist. This appointment was originally set for June 3. I cancelled it so I could conduct a hearing in the Metroplex area that day. The day I rescheduled I to was in July. Wouldn't you know, but the Immigration Service picked that date for the interview of my client who is applying for what will eventually be his green card? And I got about a week to make the rescheduling arrangements. So I re-set the appointment. The day that I reset it for was the day that everything flooded and I couldn't get out to that part of town and back again. I'm very happy to be able to make this appointment now. But my plans don't go very much according to plan.
It used to be very simple when someone else told me where to go and what to do. That's not the case anymore. I'm the one that issues Scheduling Orders and tells other people where to go and what their deadlines are. But that puts even more pressure on my calendar trying to maintain the overall calendars of those cases and those people. I feel the responsibility of those lives and those problems. My life and my problems get subordinated to everyone else's -- and sometimes that may be the right choice and sometimes it may not. I get accused of a lot of things, a lot of which is unrepeatable, and most of which I try to overlook because I know it is said in anger by people who need an easy target. (And I deal with a lot of people who have mental illness.) All in all though, with the help of my staff, I think we do a pretty decent balancing act of juggling all those schedules to get the prehearing conferences, mediations, initial scheduling orders, management conferences, status conference calls, arbitration hearings, due process hearings, and assorted miscellaneous matters attended to.
So, my Gratitude goes to my Staff for seeing me through all, keeping me where I need to be, getting information to me, and messages sent to the right people in the right way. Thank you, Candyss, Merry and Janice. (Connie, you are included in this, too, even though you are part of a different staff, but you keep me on track and participate in the communication process right there with Candy, Merry and Janice!)
As I mentioned to one of the lawyers in my mediation today: If there were not any problems, there would no longer be a need for us as lawyers or mediators.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Mother Mary
"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." Lk. 2:19 (NASB)
CSD
MCM
DBD
MPD
TAD
CSD
MCM
DBD
MPD
TAD
Monday, September 20, 2010
I Have No Clue
Today was one of those days where I went through the motions. I got up late. I felt okay. I got to work. I was totally focused. Everything took way too long to do. But what I have to do sometimes can be very detailed and it takes tremendous focus to get it correct. There are a lot of little things that, if I get them wrong, there is no one else to blame, and a lot of people are very upset. There can be very serious legal repurcussions if I mess something up. So I spent a lot of time this morning on some interwoven matters that had a lot of dates, numbers and names that could have started looking all alike, just to make sure it was all correct. You should have seen all the paper for the shredding bin from the drafts that had to be corrected. I was so close to being finished with that humongous, very important project ...
Then I got distracted by a haymaker. (Go look it up if that term is unfamiliar.) Actually, distracted is not the right word -- it's too mild. I tried to get my focus back, but I never really did. I continued on with the rest of the day and my work. Clients pay for my time; they want my full attention, not my half-way legal thoughts. Thank goodness none of the requirements for the rest of the day demanded any heavy lifting, though.
So I put on some Bob Dylan music -- "Together Through Life", and Bruce Springsteen, "The Rising." I held the meetings I needed to, listened and offered the assessments and advice where appropriate.
Then I went home, saw my beautiful grandchildren, and my fabulous spouse -- who happened to be fixing grilled cheese sandwiches for the kids. I put on my Drew Brees jersey to prepare for the Saints game and had a glass of wine, turned on ESPN and watched the pre-game show.
Now I am reflecting. I still have no clue why I got punched -- other than the fact that I exist. But that is reason enough I guess. I've decided that is just part of life. On some days we get punched in the gut, and our test is how we will react. I'm incredibly sad that someone thinks I've not shown sufficient love and support to suit them (apparently -- for that is all I can glean from the aftermath).
Okay. I'll take that. And try to learn from it. I don't know what it means to meet someone else's definition, only my own. I can only try to show love as I know it to be and support as I know how to express it.
Tomorrow will bring a new day. I will love as many people as will let me. Some just don't let me in though. I'm not going to stop loving and one day, who knows?
Gratitude List:
Miss Debbie -- I'm so very glad you're back.
Three nights in a row sleeping with my favorite person
Tessie Woo
Leftovers made wow
2 glasses of wine while watching football
Comfortable PJs
Bananas that taste really good
Then I got distracted by a haymaker. (Go look it up if that term is unfamiliar.) Actually, distracted is not the right word -- it's too mild. I tried to get my focus back, but I never really did. I continued on with the rest of the day and my work. Clients pay for my time; they want my full attention, not my half-way legal thoughts. Thank goodness none of the requirements for the rest of the day demanded any heavy lifting, though.
So I put on some Bob Dylan music -- "Together Through Life", and Bruce Springsteen, "The Rising." I held the meetings I needed to, listened and offered the assessments and advice where appropriate.
Then I went home, saw my beautiful grandchildren, and my fabulous spouse -- who happened to be fixing grilled cheese sandwiches for the kids. I put on my Drew Brees jersey to prepare for the Saints game and had a glass of wine, turned on ESPN and watched the pre-game show.
Now I am reflecting. I still have no clue why I got punched -- other than the fact that I exist. But that is reason enough I guess. I've decided that is just part of life. On some days we get punched in the gut, and our test is how we will react. I'm incredibly sad that someone thinks I've not shown sufficient love and support to suit them (apparently -- for that is all I can glean from the aftermath).
Okay. I'll take that. And try to learn from it. I don't know what it means to meet someone else's definition, only my own. I can only try to show love as I know it to be and support as I know how to express it.
Tomorrow will bring a new day. I will love as many people as will let me. Some just don't let me in though. I'm not going to stop loving and one day, who knows?
Gratitude List:
Miss Debbie -- I'm so very glad you're back.
Three nights in a row sleeping with my favorite person
Tessie Woo
Leftovers made wow
2 glasses of wine while watching football
Comfortable PJs
Bananas that taste really good
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Ode on the Loo
My toilet at home is this weird shade of pink -- after all it's the original toilet from a house that was built in the 1950's. Since I've lived in this same house for over 23 years now, many hours of my time have been spent on that pink throne. Last week I spent quite a few hours with what my friend Ima's family calls "technical difficulties." In my family it's usually known as diarrhea.
Since I was there for so much time, I got to thinking about the subject of where people do their "business." I have used facilities all over the world and been amazed, amused, challenged, and a few other things at the experience. First, I learned to carry T.P. with me all the time. Some places don't provide any at all in public facilities, whereas others -- like in Paris -- have this pink, rough, hard paper that was not very pleasant. Actually, my hotel in Paris even had that pink paper. In China I took a roll of T.P. with me in my suitcase. Each day as I left my hotel I would estimate how many times I would be going to the bathroom, then roll off the number of squares for each trip, tear it off, fold it neatly, and put them in an accessible place in my purse where they could also be kept clean.
Second, there are the types of facilities. In China and other parts of Asia the toilets are holes built into the floor. The method one uses is to squat then relieve one's self. There is a device, either a pedal or lever, that is pushed with the foot that flushes the toilet. Those toilets are certainly easier to clean than Western-style toilets! After a while you get pretty good thigh muscles built up -- no lingering to do the crossword puzzle, for sure.
In Africa the bathrooms in the hotels where I stayed had beautiful facilities. We traveled all over the countryside though, and visited some very remote areas. At one place the Western-style toilet had to be flushed in a little different method. There was a large garbage can filled with clean water. When finished, you took a pitcher or two of clean water and emptied it into the toilet bowl so that it "flushed" the materials through the system, leaving clean water behind. Of course on some of the bus rides we were simply too far from anywhere to have a bathroom. We just made do on the side of the road. One of my favorite pictures is that of a hand, holding on to a rock. That's all you can see. That's because we were down below on the side of the hill and holding on to the rocks for balance.
So it doesn't matter whether it is called a water closet, head, latrine, lavatory, toilette, loo, rest room, bathroom or something else -- it's still a very important place for business.
And I realized how very grateful I was to have one that was comfortable -- with soft, durable T.P. And that I can spend all the time I want working my crossword puzzle, sudoku, reading, or whatever. Gratitude, indeed.
Since I was there for so much time, I got to thinking about the subject of where people do their "business." I have used facilities all over the world and been amazed, amused, challenged, and a few other things at the experience. First, I learned to carry T.P. with me all the time. Some places don't provide any at all in public facilities, whereas others -- like in Paris -- have this pink, rough, hard paper that was not very pleasant. Actually, my hotel in Paris even had that pink paper. In China I took a roll of T.P. with me in my suitcase. Each day as I left my hotel I would estimate how many times I would be going to the bathroom, then roll off the number of squares for each trip, tear it off, fold it neatly, and put them in an accessible place in my purse where they could also be kept clean.
Second, there are the types of facilities. In China and other parts of Asia the toilets are holes built into the floor. The method one uses is to squat then relieve one's self. There is a device, either a pedal or lever, that is pushed with the foot that flushes the toilet. Those toilets are certainly easier to clean than Western-style toilets! After a while you get pretty good thigh muscles built up -- no lingering to do the crossword puzzle, for sure.
In Africa the bathrooms in the hotels where I stayed had beautiful facilities. We traveled all over the countryside though, and visited some very remote areas. At one place the Western-style toilet had to be flushed in a little different method. There was a large garbage can filled with clean water. When finished, you took a pitcher or two of clean water and emptied it into the toilet bowl so that it "flushed" the materials through the system, leaving clean water behind. Of course on some of the bus rides we were simply too far from anywhere to have a bathroom. We just made do on the side of the road. One of my favorite pictures is that of a hand, holding on to a rock. That's all you can see. That's because we were down below on the side of the hill and holding on to the rocks for balance.
So it doesn't matter whether it is called a water closet, head, latrine, lavatory, toilette, loo, rest room, bathroom or something else -- it's still a very important place for business.
And I realized how very grateful I was to have one that was comfortable -- with soft, durable T.P. And that I can spend all the time I want working my crossword puzzle, sudoku, reading, or whatever. Gratitude, indeed.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Simply Amazing
Remembering this blog serves as the vehicle to express my Graitude, I have been reminded in the last couple of days how amazing it is that when we relax and let go of our anxieties all our needs are fulfilled. Rather than constantly worrying and fretting over how they are going to be met and just trusting that they will be met, we are freed up to focus on the business at hand. Whatever our real mission is -- to serve in the capacity that we are sent, and the role will be different for each of us, but to do it well. Our obsession with minor details obscures the path and clouds the vision. (And Anxiety is another manifestation of fear -- really a lack of trust.)
What has been almost funny has been the total beauty of seeing it in action. Sometimes it is totally small things -- like I couldn't find the receipt from Target after I came home the other day. I needed it to attach to my expense report for the specialty Post-It tabs that I got for the office. I looked in both of the bags where it should have been, but somehow it had just disappeared. Finally I gave up. That was Sunday. I took the Post-It tabs to work on Monday, figured I was stuck or whatever. This morning when I went to get the newspaper, there on the front sidewalk was the receipt lying there, nicely folded and waiting for me to see it and pick it up. After all this time with the postal carriers walking by, the garbage going out, the kids playing, the weather, and everything else that has happened in 3 days -- there it was just waiting for me to notice it when I had the quiet frame of mind to see it and focus. It was unfaded and had everything I needed right there.
Yesterday I couldn't get into the turning lane that I needed to for the route I take to work in the mornings, because the traffic was so backed up and no one would let me over. So I had to stay in the lane that made me go the opposite direction on the freeway. Well, it was a perfect wrong way to go because there was a huge wreck that totally screwed up the freeway and I would have been sitting in that snarl forever, even though my office was only a 5-minute drive away. My wrong-way course was not really a problem, because I knew exactly how to take a U-turn and go down the surface streets to take a different route. Somebody did me a big favor by not letting me over.
So, Thank You to those people that taught me to let go of my anxieties and trust that everything is going to be okay. Laugh at the unexpected detours because not only may they go an interesting direction, they may even save time or bring our path to the perfect person we needed to meet.
I got an unexpected car wash yesterday. Michael, how did you know I was dying to have all that pecan gunk washed off my car? My Gratitude to you, dear heart.
A Huge Hunk of Gratitude to the Company that has given a job to Mike! Hooray!!!
To all the mothers that day in and out do all those things you do -- kissing the bo-bos, washing the little bodies, trying to find something they will eat today (because they don't like what they liked yesterday), chauffeuring them all over town to doctor's visits, birthday parties, day care and a million other things you do: My Gratitude to you. You make our world of tomorrow.
To all the fathers, so do you -- because I know you do most if not all of those same things, too. Plus you get to be called in for the heavy lifting and artillery duty on occasion. My Gratitude to you also. You are also making our world of tomorrow.
I am not one of those people who is afraid for what our world will look like in the future. We are in good hands, I have no doubt of that. That, too, makes me grateful.
What has been almost funny has been the total beauty of seeing it in action. Sometimes it is totally small things -- like I couldn't find the receipt from Target after I came home the other day. I needed it to attach to my expense report for the specialty Post-It tabs that I got for the office. I looked in both of the bags where it should have been, but somehow it had just disappeared. Finally I gave up. That was Sunday. I took the Post-It tabs to work on Monday, figured I was stuck or whatever. This morning when I went to get the newspaper, there on the front sidewalk was the receipt lying there, nicely folded and waiting for me to see it and pick it up. After all this time with the postal carriers walking by, the garbage going out, the kids playing, the weather, and everything else that has happened in 3 days -- there it was just waiting for me to notice it when I had the quiet frame of mind to see it and focus. It was unfaded and had everything I needed right there.
Yesterday I couldn't get into the turning lane that I needed to for the route I take to work in the mornings, because the traffic was so backed up and no one would let me over. So I had to stay in the lane that made me go the opposite direction on the freeway. Well, it was a perfect wrong way to go because there was a huge wreck that totally screwed up the freeway and I would have been sitting in that snarl forever, even though my office was only a 5-minute drive away. My wrong-way course was not really a problem, because I knew exactly how to take a U-turn and go down the surface streets to take a different route. Somebody did me a big favor by not letting me over.
So, Thank You to those people that taught me to let go of my anxieties and trust that everything is going to be okay. Laugh at the unexpected detours because not only may they go an interesting direction, they may even save time or bring our path to the perfect person we needed to meet.
I got an unexpected car wash yesterday. Michael, how did you know I was dying to have all that pecan gunk washed off my car? My Gratitude to you, dear heart.
A Huge Hunk of Gratitude to the Company that has given a job to Mike! Hooray!!!
To all the mothers that day in and out do all those things you do -- kissing the bo-bos, washing the little bodies, trying to find something they will eat today (because they don't like what they liked yesterday), chauffeuring them all over town to doctor's visits, birthday parties, day care and a million other things you do: My Gratitude to you. You make our world of tomorrow.
To all the fathers, so do you -- because I know you do most if not all of those same things, too. Plus you get to be called in for the heavy lifting and artillery duty on occasion. My Gratitude to you also. You are also making our world of tomorrow.
I am not one of those people who is afraid for what our world will look like in the future. We are in good hands, I have no doubt of that. That, too, makes me grateful.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Cinderella Was My Client
Over the many years that I have practiced law I have represented quite a few people in family law matters -- divorces, child support matters, and adoptions. And then I have endured my own family law issues, watched on the sidelines with close friends and family members, holding their hands, encouraging, sympathizing, shedding far more tears than an ocean can hold.
Might I also add that not all of these people have been women. Quite a number of them have been men. Their issues, however, are not quite as pertinent to this theme. I also hasten to add that I am not disclosing any client confidences, nor am I revealing anything that my friends would not tell about themselves either.
One of the most common problems is what I call the "dirty socks." At some point couples have to face the reality of the dirty socks -- they may have been left wherever they were dropped, never put in the hamper, left inside the running shoes or whatever. But the point is they're smelly and awful and unbelievably dirty.
I've never had socks like that in my life. Oh wait -- yes I did. Once. When I went hiking in Africa with the gorillas in the mountains. And I broke the nail on my big toe off when I jumped down from the wall coming out of the National Park But I digress ...
The socks -- Nobody plans for the socks. Brides only plan for the wedding. They don't plan for the husbands that put guns in their faces -- or fists or some other object that happens to be close by. They don't plan for how to survive when a husband decides he doesn't want to be married anymore and she's been out of the job market for 18 years raising the kids. They don't plan for their husband to do something incredibly stupid like get strung out on drugs and ruin their family. And believe it or not there are even some who find out their husbands have another family stashed away somewhere. No one plans on that!
Brides don't realize that the person they are at 25 likely will be very different from the person they are at 35 (or 45). Even worse -- they really don't realize that their man will be very different from that gorgeous hunky 25-year-old Prince Charming who dotes on every word Cinderella says, from the guy will be when he turns 40 and has his pot belly and thinning, gray hair.
So when Cinderella discovers she's made a huge mistake and can't work through the problems -- and usually she's tried absolutely everything -- she makes an appointment to come see me at my office. I explain the law to her, and if we both agree, I will represent her in the legal proceedings. (Note: I don't do very many of these cases any more. I mostly refer them out to lawyers that practice only family law.)
What does any of that have to do with anything? I've been saddened greatly by more Cinderellas in the making. Yes, my generation bought into that myth about the wedding and becoming Mrs. SoAndSo ... but I would have thought that the current generation of young women would recognize their options provide them with so many more opportunities. (One of my friends says if she had just lived with her first 3 husbands instead of marrying them, those marriages would have never happened. They would have fizzled.)
If Cinderella doesn't know someone well enough to know about the dirty socks that come from being in that person's life for long enough (I say a minimum of three years), then the odds are in my favor, not Cindy's. No one wants to see the Lawyers win.
My Gratitude, therefore, goes to everyone who is working hard to help educate people about the hard work that marriage is. Believe me, I know. I have a wonderful spouse -- but it's still very, very hard work. I am grateful to him on so many levels and for so many reasons. I can't count that high. But if I had met him when I was in my 20's our marriage would not have worked. I was too immature and lacked the communication skills that are necessary to make a relationship work. I was probably too selfish and not willing to make the important sacrifices that are necessary -- like holding my tongue.
I had a very interesting conversation some time back with two men, now American citizens who are originally from India. One is a doctor and one an engineer that owns a large company, so both are very successful. Both of the men have been happily married for many years, both in marriages that were arranged by their families. One of the men's son had just asked a young woman to marry him. So our conversation naturally turned to the cultural differences in marriage. I was very curious to find out how the families located the right "prospects" for the marriage, and how did this arrangement seem to work, particularly if the couple only met the day of or day before the wedding?
As they explained the process, certain elder members of the family were charged with performing the selection duties, which they took very seriously. They looked for other families that were in a similar income level, with similar beliefs, and if the groom was looking for a bride with certain interests or hobbies -- like traveling -- then that was factored into the equation. When you think about it, the values were very closely aligned between the bride and groom because the families took so much care in making the arrangements. It was understood that the commitment would be honored. Respect followed the commitment, and usually, love followed the respect and commitment.
So my Gratitude to my friends from India for teaching me there may be another way that also works.
Might I also add that not all of these people have been women. Quite a number of them have been men. Their issues, however, are not quite as pertinent to this theme. I also hasten to add that I am not disclosing any client confidences, nor am I revealing anything that my friends would not tell about themselves either.
One of the most common problems is what I call the "dirty socks." At some point couples have to face the reality of the dirty socks -- they may have been left wherever they were dropped, never put in the hamper, left inside the running shoes or whatever. But the point is they're smelly and awful and unbelievably dirty.
I've never had socks like that in my life. Oh wait -- yes I did. Once. When I went hiking in Africa with the gorillas in the mountains. And I broke the nail on my big toe off when I jumped down from the wall coming out of the National Park But I digress ...
The socks -- Nobody plans for the socks. Brides only plan for the wedding. They don't plan for the husbands that put guns in their faces -- or fists or some other object that happens to be close by. They don't plan for how to survive when a husband decides he doesn't want to be married anymore and she's been out of the job market for 18 years raising the kids. They don't plan for their husband to do something incredibly stupid like get strung out on drugs and ruin their family. And believe it or not there are even some who find out their husbands have another family stashed away somewhere. No one plans on that!
Brides don't realize that the person they are at 25 likely will be very different from the person they are at 35 (or 45). Even worse -- they really don't realize that their man will be very different from that gorgeous hunky 25-year-old Prince Charming who dotes on every word Cinderella says, from the guy will be when he turns 40 and has his pot belly and thinning, gray hair.
So when Cinderella discovers she's made a huge mistake and can't work through the problems -- and usually she's tried absolutely everything -- she makes an appointment to come see me at my office. I explain the law to her, and if we both agree, I will represent her in the legal proceedings. (Note: I don't do very many of these cases any more. I mostly refer them out to lawyers that practice only family law.)
What does any of that have to do with anything? I've been saddened greatly by more Cinderellas in the making. Yes, my generation bought into that myth about the wedding and becoming Mrs. SoAndSo ... but I would have thought that the current generation of young women would recognize their options provide them with so many more opportunities. (One of my friends says if she had just lived with her first 3 husbands instead of marrying them, those marriages would have never happened. They would have fizzled.)
If Cinderella doesn't know someone well enough to know about the dirty socks that come from being in that person's life for long enough (I say a minimum of three years), then the odds are in my favor, not Cindy's. No one wants to see the Lawyers win.
My Gratitude, therefore, goes to everyone who is working hard to help educate people about the hard work that marriage is. Believe me, I know. I have a wonderful spouse -- but it's still very, very hard work. I am grateful to him on so many levels and for so many reasons. I can't count that high. But if I had met him when I was in my 20's our marriage would not have worked. I was too immature and lacked the communication skills that are necessary to make a relationship work. I was probably too selfish and not willing to make the important sacrifices that are necessary -- like holding my tongue.
I had a very interesting conversation some time back with two men, now American citizens who are originally from India. One is a doctor and one an engineer that owns a large company, so both are very successful. Both of the men have been happily married for many years, both in marriages that were arranged by their families. One of the men's son had just asked a young woman to marry him. So our conversation naturally turned to the cultural differences in marriage. I was very curious to find out how the families located the right "prospects" for the marriage, and how did this arrangement seem to work, particularly if the couple only met the day of or day before the wedding?
As they explained the process, certain elder members of the family were charged with performing the selection duties, which they took very seriously. They looked for other families that were in a similar income level, with similar beliefs, and if the groom was looking for a bride with certain interests or hobbies -- like traveling -- then that was factored into the equation. When you think about it, the values were very closely aligned between the bride and groom because the families took so much care in making the arrangements. It was understood that the commitment would be honored. Respect followed the commitment, and usually, love followed the respect and commitment.
So my Gratitude to my friends from India for teaching me there may be another way that also works.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Going Gently into that Good World
An interesting convergence of ideas happened to me today. I took a phone call from a lawyer who wanted to talk to me about my letter responding to his client's demand letter to my client (got all that?). It was a very cordial conversation, a fact I appreciated immensely. In today's world lawyers tend to do too much yelling. My letter had been firm -- polite, but firm -- in stating my client's position. I told him I would convey his client's request to my client and get back with him later in the week.
Not long afterward I saw a message from someone on Facebook whose teachings frequently provide me with juicy morsels to meditate on later in the day. Today was no exception. She was talking about fear and fearlessness, and how fear can cause problems in our daily lives. One of the ways fear manifests in our lives is through aggression -- or anger. An effective way to counteract the aggression or anger is through gentleness. Where we start is within ourselves. When we are treating ourselves with more gentleness (and forgiveness) then the anger melts away, and when we are less angry with ourselves, we are less likely to be angry with those around us.
The most extraordinary part of the day came a couple of hours later. I'd had another phone call in the morning (won't go into details), but the upshot has to do with legal papers and the same client I was representing in my telephone conversation with Mr. Lawyer (above). When I finally got to see the legal papers and did what was necessary to deal with the issue for my corporate client, to my absolute shock and amazement -- I mean we're talking knock me over with a feather here -- I discovered that one of the parties identified in the legal papers was someone I had dated in high school. I can't go into details for privacy reasons (the other people's, not mine), but I will only say that it seems there is a lot of fear and anger that has occurred within people's lives. My hope, therefore, is that whatever gentleness I can impart into the world that will start the chain reaction can keep it going.
I heard recently that each of us has an effect on at least three people each day. The implication of our chain reaction is pretty staggering. That's 3x3x3x3, etc. because we all come into contact with so many people each and every single day -- well, at least I do anyway. (Except those days I pretend I'm a hermit stuck in a cave somewhere. Actually I kind of like those days, but that's another story.)
If I choose to have a gentle positive outlook with myself, and I am more likely to have a gentle positive interaction with people, then those three people I will have the effect on will be more likely to have been positively influenced rather than negatively. And each of those people will be influencing three more people who will be more likely to be gentle and positive -- and all of those people fan out -- and pretty soon, we have a whole army of people that are dedicated to love, kindness and compassion. That's how we start changing the world.
So my Gratitude today goes to Mr. Lawyer (whose name I will keep to myself), but I appreciate him greatly, even though he is my opposing counsel.
My Gratitude goes to Pema Chodron for her lesson on gentleness. And I will remember that I still have so very much to learn in this regard, as in so many other ways.
My Gratitude goes to my friends and family who help me remember that I come from a place where we are all real, and we are all connected. Blessings on all of you.
Now I choose to go gently into that Good World.
Not long afterward I saw a message from someone on Facebook whose teachings frequently provide me with juicy morsels to meditate on later in the day. Today was no exception. She was talking about fear and fearlessness, and how fear can cause problems in our daily lives. One of the ways fear manifests in our lives is through aggression -- or anger. An effective way to counteract the aggression or anger is through gentleness. Where we start is within ourselves. When we are treating ourselves with more gentleness (and forgiveness) then the anger melts away, and when we are less angry with ourselves, we are less likely to be angry with those around us.
The most extraordinary part of the day came a couple of hours later. I'd had another phone call in the morning (won't go into details), but the upshot has to do with legal papers and the same client I was representing in my telephone conversation with Mr. Lawyer (above). When I finally got to see the legal papers and did what was necessary to deal with the issue for my corporate client, to my absolute shock and amazement -- I mean we're talking knock me over with a feather here -- I discovered that one of the parties identified in the legal papers was someone I had dated in high school. I can't go into details for privacy reasons (the other people's, not mine), but I will only say that it seems there is a lot of fear and anger that has occurred within people's lives. My hope, therefore, is that whatever gentleness I can impart into the world that will start the chain reaction can keep it going.
I heard recently that each of us has an effect on at least three people each day. The implication of our chain reaction is pretty staggering. That's 3x3x3x3, etc. because we all come into contact with so many people each and every single day -- well, at least I do anyway. (Except those days I pretend I'm a hermit stuck in a cave somewhere. Actually I kind of like those days, but that's another story.)
If I choose to have a gentle positive outlook with myself, and I am more likely to have a gentle positive interaction with people, then those three people I will have the effect on will be more likely to have been positively influenced rather than negatively. And each of those people will be influencing three more people who will be more likely to be gentle and positive -- and all of those people fan out -- and pretty soon, we have a whole army of people that are dedicated to love, kindness and compassion. That's how we start changing the world.
So my Gratitude today goes to Mr. Lawyer (whose name I will keep to myself), but I appreciate him greatly, even though he is my opposing counsel.
My Gratitude goes to Pema Chodron for her lesson on gentleness. And I will remember that I still have so very much to learn in this regard, as in so many other ways.
My Gratitude goes to my friends and family who help me remember that I come from a place where we are all real, and we are all connected. Blessings on all of you.
Now I choose to go gently into that Good World.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Going Dark
I did not post a message yesterday. Although I had not actually planned it that way, I think subconsciously I knew all along that I would not write anything on September 11. That is why I wrote about the date on the days leading up to it. And today's thoughts tie into the fallout of events created by September 11.
My gratitude today goes to Nikki Stern whose opinion video ran on CBS Sunday Morning. Nikki's husband died in one of the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001. She said she is sick and tired of the anger. I agree with her. She said we should be coming together instead of coming apart. All of this is in reference to the furor over the Islamic Community Center (with a mosque) being built in Manhattan near the site where the World Trade Center was located. Of course, there are mosques all over the country, many that need to either expand or rebuild. In many places Muslims are being harassed as never before, including children at school. Almost all of these communities have existed for many years before September 11, 2001, peacefully unknown to the rest of their neighbors until the neighbors decided to get angry about something unconnected to their community. These Muslims are our engineers, doctors, and teachers -- and have worked alongside us for decades. Why have some people suddenly become so suspicious and angry?
Nikki is right: We need to come together instead of fall apart. Isn't this America, land of the free and home of the brave?
My gratitude today goes to Nikki Stern whose opinion video ran on CBS Sunday Morning. Nikki's husband died in one of the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001. She said she is sick and tired of the anger. I agree with her. She said we should be coming together instead of coming apart. All of this is in reference to the furor over the Islamic Community Center (with a mosque) being built in Manhattan near the site where the World Trade Center was located. Of course, there are mosques all over the country, many that need to either expand or rebuild. In many places Muslims are being harassed as never before, including children at school. Almost all of these communities have existed for many years before September 11, 2001, peacefully unknown to the rest of their neighbors until the neighbors decided to get angry about something unconnected to their community. These Muslims are our engineers, doctors, and teachers -- and have worked alongside us for decades. Why have some people suddenly become so suspicious and angry?
Nikki is right: We need to come together instead of fall apart. Isn't this America, land of the free and home of the brave?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Living in America
Just got home from seeing Margaret Cho's live performance, and I loved it. Her show is probably not for everyone, like those who may take offense at any sensitive topics. It helps to at least understand gay humor if you're not a member of the community. Her take on the South in particular was just hilarious. I can't wait to see how she and Louie do on Dancing with the Stars. But part of her show deals with immigrants, and how their view of living in America is different from that of persons who are native born.
That reminded me of a piece I heard on the BBC radio news earlier today of a young Muslim man living in Virginia. The story focused on the "Islamaphobia" that has developed in the U.S. since September 11, 2001. Eid al-Fitr, the feast ending the fasting of Ramadan, was celebrated yesterday. The parents of the young man who was interviewed are immigrants from Egypt. He said that no matter how bad things might be for Muslims right now in America, even with the polls right now showing such widespread prejudice toward Muslims, America is still the very best place in the world for Muslims to live and practice their faith. He said we have laws to protect people, and we have the FBI that will investigate hate crimes. Other countries do not (certainly not Egypt).
And I've seen what happens firsthand in a country where there is no protection against the discrimination of people on the basis of their perceived ethnic group, although it could have just as easily been their religion. Ultimately, if the laws go unenforced over a long enough period of time, power will be assumed by the group in charge, who will attempt to eradicate the minority group. The discrimination starts out small, then grows as it is rationalized (they are not really people, they are animals -- see their tails?), until it gets so far out of hand that no one noticed when the line was crossed that people started getting massacred -- frequently in the name of a greater good, and sometimes even in the name of God.
So I am very grateful to be Living in America -- the land of the free and the home of the brave. And I'm very grateful to all those people who believe it is important to have laws and make certain they are enforced on an equal basis. For that system of law to work we have to have people who write the laws, people who interpret the laws, people who enforce the laws, and people who punish lawbreakers. That's a lot of people to be grateful for -- including some that society usually looks down on, like legislators and lawyers. But it's also the people that don't always get a lot of publicity -- like the case managers for the judges, the court reporters and docket clerks and the bailiffs in the courtrooms. Then there are not only police officers but dispatchers, traffic signal technicians, mechanics working on police cruisers, and lab technicians.
Today my gratitude goes to being so fortunate for having been born in the USA. I don't have to worry that my head will be chopped off -- literally -- because of my religious beliefs (or lack thereof) or how they may differ from my king, or my boss (if I had one). I am not forced to be taxed a certain percentage of my income to the Establishment Church, but I may donate to the temple or church of my choice if I so desire (and it is tax-exempt). My occupation was not selected for me -- thank goodness -- but rather, I got to make my own mistakes until I stumbled into the right fit finally.
Best of all, I'm grateful for the butt that I'm going to get to snuggle up against tonight. I've really missed it.
That reminded me of a piece I heard on the BBC radio news earlier today of a young Muslim man living in Virginia. The story focused on the "Islamaphobia" that has developed in the U.S. since September 11, 2001. Eid al-Fitr, the feast ending the fasting of Ramadan, was celebrated yesterday. The parents of the young man who was interviewed are immigrants from Egypt. He said that no matter how bad things might be for Muslims right now in America, even with the polls right now showing such widespread prejudice toward Muslims, America is still the very best place in the world for Muslims to live and practice their faith. He said we have laws to protect people, and we have the FBI that will investigate hate crimes. Other countries do not (certainly not Egypt).
And I've seen what happens firsthand in a country where there is no protection against the discrimination of people on the basis of their perceived ethnic group, although it could have just as easily been their religion. Ultimately, if the laws go unenforced over a long enough period of time, power will be assumed by the group in charge, who will attempt to eradicate the minority group. The discrimination starts out small, then grows as it is rationalized (they are not really people, they are animals -- see their tails?), until it gets so far out of hand that no one noticed when the line was crossed that people started getting massacred -- frequently in the name of a greater good, and sometimes even in the name of God.
So I am very grateful to be Living in America -- the land of the free and the home of the brave. And I'm very grateful to all those people who believe it is important to have laws and make certain they are enforced on an equal basis. For that system of law to work we have to have people who write the laws, people who interpret the laws, people who enforce the laws, and people who punish lawbreakers. That's a lot of people to be grateful for -- including some that society usually looks down on, like legislators and lawyers. But it's also the people that don't always get a lot of publicity -- like the case managers for the judges, the court reporters and docket clerks and the bailiffs in the courtrooms. Then there are not only police officers but dispatchers, traffic signal technicians, mechanics working on police cruisers, and lab technicians.
Today my gratitude goes to being so fortunate for having been born in the USA. I don't have to worry that my head will be chopped off -- literally -- because of my religious beliefs (or lack thereof) or how they may differ from my king, or my boss (if I had one). I am not forced to be taxed a certain percentage of my income to the Establishment Church, but I may donate to the temple or church of my choice if I so desire (and it is tax-exempt). My occupation was not selected for me -- thank goodness -- but rather, I got to make my own mistakes until I stumbled into the right fit finally.
Best of all, I'm grateful for the butt that I'm going to get to snuggle up against tonight. I've really missed it.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Two Days Out
If anybody looks at the title of today's post and the date they might get a sense of the connection between the two -- but there's a little more to it. Bear in mind the theme of my blog is Gratitude. Today's thoughts start with something I read yesterday but relate to Sept. 11. So I'll start with what I read yesterday.
My cousin Mavis Ann posted on her Facebook page that she saw an interview with a freelance journalist who said her son Jonathan had saved his life while he was embedded with their unit. She gave the name of the TV station where the interview was still available. Now, I know more about that story than the barebones facts she put in that posting. I know more because I attended Jonathan's funeral in August last year after he was killed in Afghanistan by an IED. Jon was a 21-year-old Marine defending our country. I watched his beautiful mother, in her quiet, dignified way, deal with the loss of her equally beautiful son who willingly gave his life, doing something he loved. I also met his young wife, carrying their unborn child.
Mavis Ann found out for the first time in the interview about Jon's heroic act in saving the journalist. We always knew he was a hero, and here was someone who lived to tell us another story about his heroism. So, I have some special people on my mind that I am very grateful for -- Mavis Ann and Jonathan. They represent the sacrifice that is required to keep our country free.
But Mavis Ann and Jonathan also stand for so many other mothers and sons and daughters -- thousands upon thousands that have died just in these two wars alone, and that does not count the many others so terribly wounded and scarred. (I think of Ray and his family that our country let down by not being there to recognize the injury and provide treatment before it was too late. I wish I could fix that.) Our military families have borne a horribly disproportionate burden during these wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I know that because I've seen it up close. My gratitude goes to Mavis and Jon and his wife, and now to Zoe, the baby that will never know her dad -- and to all those other families that serve in the military or support a service member.
The interview that Mavis mentioned can be found at http://www.oeta.tv/ontherecord.html in the section with Mike Boettcher. The whole interview with Mike is worth watching if you have the time, but the story about Jonathan is around the 24 minute point. It is especially poignant to know that Jon died only 2 weeks after this incident happened.
The interview with Mike also got me to thinking. The journalists go right into harm's way also -- to tell us the story of the soldiers and marines. And that's very important, to know their names and hear their stories. Jonathan is not a name on a wall or a list. He is my cousin's son (and my cousin, too).
With the journalists there, the soldiers and marines are not left unknown, their stories are not left untold. But their presence comes at a price. According to the Committe to Protect Journalists 139 journalists were killed in the line of duty in Iraq between March 2003 and October 2009. That does not count accidents, health-related deaths, etc. So, my gratitude also goes to Mike Boettcher who, in September 2010, goes back to Afghanistan for another year-long assignment with his son as his photographer. He says he "owes it to the Jonathans [and Geralds] of the world to tell their story. They should not be forgotten."
My gratitude, therefore, also goes to all those journalists who risk everything to get the story to all of us, comfy and cozy, watching our big-screen TVs, reading our internet stories, getting the latest updates on all the world's hot spots.
And now the other reason that I am writing all of this today -- I knew that I simply could not write it on September 11, hence two days out. That day still carries so much weight of symbolism with it. I would not be able to put fingers on keyboard for the tears in my eyes. Maybe someday in my lifetime that day on the calendar will be far enough removed from 2001 to let me forget the images of the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and that field in Pennsylvania. Probably not -- I still remember where I was when Kennedy was shot.
My cousin Mavis Ann posted on her Facebook page that she saw an interview with a freelance journalist who said her son Jonathan had saved his life while he was embedded with their unit. She gave the name of the TV station where the interview was still available. Now, I know more about that story than the barebones facts she put in that posting. I know more because I attended Jonathan's funeral in August last year after he was killed in Afghanistan by an IED. Jon was a 21-year-old Marine defending our country. I watched his beautiful mother, in her quiet, dignified way, deal with the loss of her equally beautiful son who willingly gave his life, doing something he loved. I also met his young wife, carrying their unborn child.
Mavis Ann found out for the first time in the interview about Jon's heroic act in saving the journalist. We always knew he was a hero, and here was someone who lived to tell us another story about his heroism. So, I have some special people on my mind that I am very grateful for -- Mavis Ann and Jonathan. They represent the sacrifice that is required to keep our country free.
But Mavis Ann and Jonathan also stand for so many other mothers and sons and daughters -- thousands upon thousands that have died just in these two wars alone, and that does not count the many others so terribly wounded and scarred. (I think of Ray and his family that our country let down by not being there to recognize the injury and provide treatment before it was too late. I wish I could fix that.) Our military families have borne a horribly disproportionate burden during these wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I know that because I've seen it up close. My gratitude goes to Mavis and Jon and his wife, and now to Zoe, the baby that will never know her dad -- and to all those other families that serve in the military or support a service member.
The interview that Mavis mentioned can be found at http://www.oeta.tv/ontherecord.html in the section with Mike Boettcher. The whole interview with Mike is worth watching if you have the time, but the story about Jonathan is around the 24 minute point. It is especially poignant to know that Jon died only 2 weeks after this incident happened.
The interview with Mike also got me to thinking. The journalists go right into harm's way also -- to tell us the story of the soldiers and marines. And that's very important, to know their names and hear their stories. Jonathan is not a name on a wall or a list. He is my cousin's son (and my cousin, too).
With the journalists there, the soldiers and marines are not left unknown, their stories are not left untold. But their presence comes at a price. According to the Committe to Protect Journalists 139 journalists were killed in the line of duty in Iraq between March 2003 and October 2009. That does not count accidents, health-related deaths, etc. So, my gratitude also goes to Mike Boettcher who, in September 2010, goes back to Afghanistan for another year-long assignment with his son as his photographer. He says he "owes it to the Jonathans [and Geralds] of the world to tell their story. They should not be forgotten."
My gratitude, therefore, also goes to all those journalists who risk everything to get the story to all of us, comfy and cozy, watching our big-screen TVs, reading our internet stories, getting the latest updates on all the world's hot spots.
And now the other reason that I am writing all of this today -- I knew that I simply could not write it on September 11, hence two days out. That day still carries so much weight of symbolism with it. I would not be able to put fingers on keyboard for the tears in my eyes. Maybe someday in my lifetime that day on the calendar will be far enough removed from 2001 to let me forget the images of the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and that field in Pennsylvania. Probably not -- I still remember where I was when Kennedy was shot.
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