Over the many years that I have practiced law I have represented quite a few people in family law matters -- divorces, child support matters, and adoptions. And then I have endured my own family law issues, watched on the sidelines with close friends and family members, holding their hands, encouraging, sympathizing, shedding far more tears than an ocean can hold.
Might I also add that not all of these people have been women. Quite a number of them have been men. Their issues, however, are not quite as pertinent to this theme. I also hasten to add that I am not disclosing any client confidences, nor am I revealing anything that my friends would not tell about themselves either.
One of the most common problems is what I call the "dirty socks." At some point couples have to face the reality of the dirty socks -- they may have been left wherever they were dropped, never put in the hamper, left inside the running shoes or whatever. But the point is they're smelly and awful and unbelievably dirty.
I've never had socks like that in my life. Oh wait -- yes I did. Once. When I went hiking in Africa with the gorillas in the mountains. And I broke the nail on my big toe off when I jumped down from the wall coming out of the National Park But I digress ...
The socks -- Nobody plans for the socks. Brides only plan for the wedding. They don't plan for the husbands that put guns in their faces -- or fists or some other object that happens to be close by. They don't plan for how to survive when a husband decides he doesn't want to be married anymore and she's been out of the job market for 18 years raising the kids. They don't plan for their husband to do something incredibly stupid like get strung out on drugs and ruin their family. And believe it or not there are even some who find out their husbands have another family stashed away somewhere. No one plans on that!
Brides don't realize that the person they are at 25 likely will be very different from the person they are at 35 (or 45). Even worse -- they really don't realize that their man will be very different from that gorgeous hunky 25-year-old Prince Charming who dotes on every word Cinderella says, from the guy will be when he turns 40 and has his pot belly and thinning, gray hair.
So when Cinderella discovers she's made a huge mistake and can't work through the problems -- and usually she's tried absolutely everything -- she makes an appointment to come see me at my office. I explain the law to her, and if we both agree, I will represent her in the legal proceedings. (Note: I don't do very many of these cases any more. I mostly refer them out to lawyers that practice only family law.)
What does any of that have to do with anything? I've been saddened greatly by more Cinderellas in the making. Yes, my generation bought into that myth about the wedding and becoming Mrs. SoAndSo ... but I would have thought that the current generation of young women would recognize their options provide them with so many more opportunities. (One of my friends says if she had just lived with her first 3 husbands instead of marrying them, those marriages would have never happened. They would have fizzled.)
If Cinderella doesn't know someone well enough to know about the dirty socks that come from being in that person's life for long enough (I say a minimum of three years), then the odds are in my favor, not Cindy's. No one wants to see the Lawyers win.
My Gratitude, therefore, goes to everyone who is working hard to help educate people about the hard work that marriage is. Believe me, I know. I have a wonderful spouse -- but it's still very, very hard work. I am grateful to him on so many levels and for so many reasons. I can't count that high. But if I had met him when I was in my 20's our marriage would not have worked. I was too immature and lacked the communication skills that are necessary to make a relationship work. I was probably too selfish and not willing to make the important sacrifices that are necessary -- like holding my tongue.
I had a very interesting conversation some time back with two men, now American citizens who are originally from India. One is a doctor and one an engineer that owns a large company, so both are very successful. Both of the men have been happily married for many years, both in marriages that were arranged by their families. One of the men's son had just asked a young woman to marry him. So our conversation naturally turned to the cultural differences in marriage. I was very curious to find out how the families located the right "prospects" for the marriage, and how did this arrangement seem to work, particularly if the couple only met the day of or day before the wedding?
As they explained the process, certain elder members of the family were charged with performing the selection duties, which they took very seriously. They looked for other families that were in a similar income level, with similar beliefs, and if the groom was looking for a bride with certain interests or hobbies -- like traveling -- then that was factored into the equation. When you think about it, the values were very closely aligned between the bride and groom because the families took so much care in making the arrangements. It was understood that the commitment would be honored. Respect followed the commitment, and usually, love followed the respect and commitment.
So my Gratitude to my friends from India for teaching me there may be another way that also works.
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