Reflection

I think the death of someone close to us naturally causes us to reflect on our own mortality.  Yesterday we laid our mother to rest.  That is the euphemism that polite society uses when we really mean to say that we buried someone.  Saying those words is much harder.  And here I am driving back home the next day, still with the image of her casket in my mind's eye and the sight of the hole in the ground where her body was being placed.  Well, technically I am not driving, I am in the passenger seat, otherwise I would not be able to write this.

The kind man who drove the van containing her casket from south Texas to very, very far northTexas, Donnie, asked if I wanted to stay for the closing of the grave.  I thought about it, as though perhaps I had some duty to make certain it was done correctly, but ultimately decided I should trust the cemetery workers to do their jobs.  Besides, I do not believe I wanted that last visual image to be quite so graphic.

When my grandmother died at the age of 91 one of my aunts, who at the time was 60 years old, told me she felt like an orphan.  She was terribly distressed to lose her mother.  I think I understand a little of what she meant.  It is as though the last tie to your childhood is gone.  In some cases it is the end of  an era or the last of an entire generation.  That is the case with my mother insofar as the Doyal side of the family goes.  She was the last of that generation -- the last of the aunts and uncles on that side of the family.  There is no one else to call and get stories, or to fact check, or ask when or why something happened.

So I am very grateful that during the last conversation we had, it occurred to me to ask some questions about my uncles.  I had found some information on the ancestry.com site and asked her about it.  Her answers were a bit surprising in one way, but not so much, really.

Death is not a subject our society confronts very comfortably.  We talk all around it, but not head on.  I would venture to say that most people have not been with someone as they actually die.  We have more questions than answers and are not okay with even uttering the words death and dying.  And yet, it is a fact that each of us must face.  We owe it to our families and friends to have our affairs in order when that eventuality makes its way to our doorstep.

This is not doom and gloom by any means.  It is a reminder that every day is special.  Each day is a new beginning, with its own new dawn and it's own set of possibilities.  My in-box will never be completely wiped out and there will always be something left undone from the day before.  However, that does not mean I was a failure yesterday.  It merely means I have a new reason to get up and try again to serve others and love the people sent my way today.