Even the Dog

Quite a few years ago I was ranting about some indignity heaped upon my head by my ex. Just obsessed, angry, hurt. I could not see anything good about him. The person listening to my diatribe suggested an exercise. Instead of focusing on all the negatives, he proposed that I make a list of 100 good things or things I learned from my ex. Radical idea. (This came from my hairdresser, not my therapist. Good hairdressers share many of the same characteristics as good therapists.)

I thought about it for a day or so and decided it couldn't hurt. I took out a legal pad and started the list. The first few came to mind easily.  A child, nice lifestyle ....

What took over somewhere around #10 was a changed perspective. Rather than being caught up in my anger (and pride, I'll admit it), I found myself examining not him, but me, looking for remnants of the positive aspects he left behind. The valuable lessons I learned stayed with me.

First, I realized change comes from within. No one changes anyone else. You can yell, threaten, bully, cry, demand -- and none of that ever changes another human being. We all have the capacity for change, and over time, we usually do change. But change simply cannot be forced on anyone, regardless of whether it is a good change or how badly change is needed.

Second, I understood that no one is totally good or totally bad. Even someone with whom I had so much conflict had positive influences on my life along the way. I could focus on the negative qualities or the positive qualities. But dwelling on the negative only affected me. So why bother to stay in that sorry state?

Third, I learned (again) the power of positive thinking. Even the simple exercise of looking for the good in a particular person redirects our thought processes -- and with the redirection, literally a mood shift. Given the choice between "Woe is me" and "Wow, look where I am now," I choose where I am today and see how beautiful life is.

I am happy because I choose to be happy. There is so much in my life that fills me with gratitude. Focusing on those items propels me in a much more positive direction than looking in anger at anyone. No one will change because I demand it. But I can support the good choices made by others and cheer them on as they influence everyone around them.

And life is too short to turn anyone into an enemy -- which is the end result of focusing exclusively on a person's negative side. If we see nothing good about them, animosity toward them is the likely effect.

My mother always told me, "Even an old dog is better to have as a friend than an enemy."  Indeed, one never knows when the old dog may end up barking the warning that saves our life.